What’s in it for me? A therapist’s toolkit for life’s most trying challenges.
Nobody’s happy all the time. Fluctuating moods are a universal part of the human experience.
But sometimes, when a low mood is lasting or recurs very often, we tend to think it’s because of hardwiring in our brains, and that we don’t have any influence over our painful emotions.
Dr. Julie Smith, clinical psychologist and social media star, is here to show us that we do have influence over our emotions. Her book Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? details strategies for managing our mental health in our daily lives. She shows us that we have more control over our mental health than most of us are taught to believe.
In this Blink, we’ll outline some of the most important and accessible strategies you can implement today that will help you build resilience and grow better at managing your moods over time. As you discover that your mental well-being is more within reach than it can seem, you just may find yourself asking, Why has nobody told me this before?
In this Blink, you’ll learn
how to keep anxiety from turning into panic;
the key to building confidence; and
why you should never feel like a burden when you’re down.
Lay the groundwork for robust mental well-being by becoming aware of how your feelings are generated.
When Dr. Julie worked with patients caught in an ongoing low mood, she noticed some common thought patterns. To her patients, it often felt like their low moods came out of nowhere, or that their brains were simply faulty. It seemed like other people were born with the ability to be happy, but for them, it was out of reach. These beliefs prevented them from taking their mental health into their own hands. But let’s take a closer look at how a bad mood might arise.
Say you’ve been working late, worried about a fast-approaching deadline. You finally make it to bed, but you’re too tired to remember your usual glass of water before sleep. You spend the night tossing and turning, worried about your deadline. You drift into a light, restless sleep – only to be jolted awake by your horribly loud alarm.
You wake up irritated, exhausted, and with stress hormones shooting through your body. In short, you’re in a bad mood.
It’s easy to see why, isn’t it? Your bad mood didn’t come out of nowhere – you’re stressed, sleep-deprived, and dehydrated!
Of course, not all low moods arise due to a night of dehydrated tossing and turning. But what’s important to understand about emotions is that they’re constructed by a variety of factors, many of which we can influence. If you’re in a bad mood, it’s actually more likely that you’re experiencing an unmet need and not a malfunction in your brain!
So the first step to relieving an ongoing low mood is to reflect upon what those unmet needs might be. Dr. Julie helps her patients build this awareness over time by asking questions that help uncover what’s going on in their bodies and in their minds. Once she and her patient have started to break down the thoughts, behaviors, and environmental stressors that contribute to a low mood, the patient can start to address those unmet needs.
Some of these questions are: What exactly are you thinking when your low mood surfaces? When do these thoughts start to surface? What other physical sensations did you experience? What did you do in the week leading up to the low mood?
These are questions that you can ask yourself, too! Emotional hindsight is a skill that can be built outside of the therapy context. Dr. Julie recommends keeping a journal that focuses on both positive and negative experiences, and detailing the thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, and circumstances leading up to those experiences. Gradually, this will help you notice patterns over time and the concrete factors that contributed to a certain mood.
Let’s say this practice of turning a bit more awareness onto your feelings helps you recognize an easily fixable source of low mood. You might notice that you regularly think, “I’m such a loser!” right after scrolling through social media. This recognition gives you an actionable clue of how to get away from that feeling, simply by deleting certain apps or unfollowing people who generate bad feelings of comparison.
Now, building this awareness of how feelings are generated won’t bring clarity or solutions to all painful emotions. Some problems are more complex and may require professional help, and that’s OK. But if that’s the case, increased awareness of your feelings and their origins will still help you and your therapist in the joint work of improving your low mood.
Remember that feelings aren’t just in your head; they’re in your body, your living conditions, your past and your present, and the influences you surround yourself with. The more practiced you are at breaking down the factors interacting to create your emotions, the more easily you can see the changes that are within your power to make.
Turn bad moods into better moods by focusing on “good enough” decisions.
One reason we can get stuck in an ongoing low mood is that painful moods can keep us from making good decisions. We’re feeling down, so we crave instant relief – which leads us to decisions that aren’t always helpful in the long run. It’s the urge to choose junk food over a more nourishing meal or to call in sick because you’re stressed, only to push the workload onto your future self. If we heed that urge to take the easier decision, we then often berate ourselves for making the wrong choice. That keeps us stuck in a cycle of low mood.
Why do we do this, when in most cases we know what the right decision is? Well, part of the reason is that the right decisions are oftentimes easier said than done. It’s simply harder to get up and go to work than it is to hide under the covers, especially when we’re in a low mood.
The other problem is a tendency toward perfectionism, and it isn’t at all helpful for healing. Perfectionism causes us to fixate on the perfect decision, and then beat ourselves up for not having done it already. In tackling a longstanding low mood, perfectionism stands in the way of real change.
A way to work against both of these problems is to focus on making “good enough” decisions. The key here is to aim for small, continual progress – and not for grand gestures or huge overhauls of your life.
For example, it’s well-known that physical exercise can make a huge difference in your mental health – but it can be so hard to commit to a vigorous exercise routine when you’re not in the habit of doing it. Dr. Julie’s advice? Don’t worry about going from no exercise to an hour of cardio per day! The hour of cardio per day might look like the “right” decision, but the “good enough” decision is to incorporate some light exercise into your day that you actually enjoy. Don’t go to the gym for a joyless slog on the treadmill if it fills you with dread; instead, start with activities you can see yourself repeating, like brisk walks around the neighborhood with your favorite podcast.
If you’re stuck in a low mood and the long list of things you should do is overwhelming, pick just one small action that you know is good for you, and promise yourself to do it every day– like that brisk walk around the neighborhood. You might not see a stark uptick in your mood immediately, but you’re doing something more important. You’re actually laying the foundation for new pathways in your brain that make exercise second nature. You’re reminding yourself that you can still develop good habits. And once you sustain good habits, they in turn will sustain your mental health.
So what if you successfully build up a good, healthy habit, but then your commitment slackens over time and you fall out of it? Try not to criticize yourself. It happens. Be compassionate and encouraging toward yourself, as you would to a friend going through a rough time. You can try again tomorrow! It’ll be easier the next time around because you’ve done it before.
Learning how to manage anxiety will open up your life.
Choosing healthy behavior step by step is also the most effective way to deal with anxiety. If you struggle with anxiety, you know it’s no fun – at best, it’s uncomfortable, and at worst, it can completely take over your life. Because anxiety is something we all experience, it’s no surprise that one of Dr. Julie’s most commonly asked questions is how to make it go away.
Managing anxiety is about facing fears. The most tempting way to deal with fear is to run away from it by avoiding the situations that make it flare up. But here’s the thing about fear: The more we avoid it, the more we feed it in the long run. And what’s worse is that if we let fear dictate our choices, our lives become smaller and smaller.
Let’s say that, during the pandemic, you started to become anxious in crowded places. So you started to avoid busy areas. Then you found yourself feeling uncomfortable in public transport and in supermarkets too, so you decided to avoid those as well. After some time, you became unwilling to spend time around people you didn’t know well. Eventually, your anxiety has created a situation where you’re barely able to leave the house. So how do you get your life back?
The key is to go easy on yourself, and not to reintroduce every anxiety-inducing situation at once. That will likely overwhelm your brain and cause you to give up. Pick one that feels the most manageable and start there. Step back into a supermarket, sit with the fear, step out, and give yourself time to recover. Do it again the next day and watch your confidence grow gradually over time.
Once you can go to the supermarket without the strong urge to flee, reintroduce the next element in your life, like public transportation. As long as you don’t flood yourself with anxiety, you’ll be able to take your life back, layer by layer.
This same approach of incrementally facing fears works for building your confidence, even if you aren’t especially anxious but want to become more daring. Your confidence will grow over time if you find the courage to face the things that make you feel squeamish, as long as you do it gradually and with repetition, with ample recovery time, and you don’t put yourself in situations that will cause you to panic.
Remember that courage precedes confidence. You have to face your fears in order to overcome them. Fear is part of any new situation you find yourself in, any creative risk you take, and all learning experiences. So if you want to live a life with creativity, risk, and growth, facing fear is essential.
OK, that’s all well and good in theory – but what if you try and stretch your confidence, but find yourself in a situation where your anxiety is spiking and it feels like it’ll overwhelm you? What if you thought you were ready for the supermarket, but find yourself hyperventilating in the produce aisle?
First, don’t worry – you’re not alone. Many of Dr. Julie’s patients are experiencing these kinds of flare-ups when they first step into her office, so one of the first skills she often teaches new patients is a technique called square breathing. It’s an easy-to-learn practice from Dr. Julie’s toolkit that can help you in any situation where anxiety might turn into panic. The best part? You can do it anywhere, and nobody will even know you’re doing it! Here’s how it works:
First, find something square – a window, a picture frame, anything with four corners.
Next, gaze upon the bottom left corner of the square, and count to four as you breathe in, moving your eyes up to the top left corner.
Hold your breath for four seconds, moving your eyes to the top right corner.
Exhale for four seconds as you move your eyes to the bottom right corner.
Hold your breath again for four seconds as you move your eyes back to the bottom left corner.
That’s it. Breathing deeply will calm your anxiety, and following the square will ensure you do it long enough for the benefits to kick in. Give it a try the next time you feel panic starting to build.
Ask for help when you need it, and learn to give it in return.
It can be hard to ask for help. Cultural taboos, expensive therapists, and a lack of availability are all barriers to seeking professional mental help services. But it can sometimes be especially hard to ask for help from the people that we know.
That’s because, sadly, depression often makes us push people away when we need them most. It’s very common to believe that showing people around you that you’re struggling is burdensome. You then withdraw from people, believing that your depressed self will only bring other people down.
But here’s something powerful to remember the next time you feel that way: the positive effects of social support go both ways. Studies indicate that when someone provides somebody else with even low-level social support, it changes their brain chemistry in such a way that they themselves experience positive emotions, like courage and hope. It can even help them with the harmful effects of trauma and chronic stress. Yes, that’s right – you’re doing yourself and your loved ones a good thing when you let them help you when you need it.
Knowing this, don’t be afraid to call your loved ones when you’re down. Human connection is one of the most powerful tools we have for maintaining our mental relationship, and social isolation only makes depression worse.
It might be hard at first. You might not feel like you have much to say or anything at all. That’s OK. Share whatever thoughts you can manage, or just be with people, watching them or taking a quiet walk together. The research tells us that simply being with others who care is still helpful, even when we don’t feel like being around others.
At some point in your life, you’ll probably find yourself in the opposite situation – caring for someone else who’s having a hard time. Supporting someone you love who’s struggling can be stressful, and it can also make you feel inadequate. But remember, caring for others in times of stress is one way to heal ourselves, too. So here are a few pointers from Dr. Julie that can help you feel more confident in the supporting role.
First, don’t forget about the power of simply being with someone who’s depressed. Checking in and showing you care can go a long way. If you don’t know what to say or how to help them, ask how you can be supportive. Often a person you’re supporting knows what they need. What they don’t always know is that there’s someone in their life who’s willing to help them. And if your loved one has a particular diagnosis, be sure to read up on it to get more concrete advice on the specific challenges they’re facing.
Next, help them with practical matters. Someone in emotional pain might feel completely overwhelmed by something as simple as washing the dishes or cooking dinner. Quietly helping your friend with small tasks like this can provide them with significant relief.
Listen to your loved one with compassion and openness, and try not to give advice unless they ask for it. It’s likely they’ll feel more respected and heard if you instead reflect what they’ve said back to them. And don’t be afraid to change the subject sometimes! Caring for someone doesn’t mean you have to focus on their struggles the whole time. Distraction and new inputs can also be helpful to them.
Human connection is one of the most powerful defenses we have against low moods. Studies show that quality relationships protect our physical and emotional well-being throughout our lives. When it comes to making us happy, relationships are far more important than money, fame, social class, genes, and all the markers of status we’re taught to strive for.
And if you don’t have anyone in your personal life that you can call at the moment? Don’t worry; it’s never too late to make meaningful connections! Therapists can help you learn or regain that ability. If you work on yourself, your relationships improve, and if you work on your relationships, your mental health improves.
Final summary
In this Blink, we explored how we can improve our overall mental well-being by looking for the unmet needs that cause emotional pain, by focusing on “good enough” decisions that gradually get us to where we’d like to be, by facing our fears to build our confidence and keep anxiety at bay, and by nurturing our relationships and caring for each other when we’re feeling down.
Please note that although this Blink provided strategies for how we can help ourselves improve our mental health, sometimes professional help is still necessary. If you are worried about your mental health, seek the professional support of a therapist. If professional services aren’t available to you, find resources to learn all that you can about recovery and be sure to rely on the support of trusted loved ones.