# 'Til Stress Do Us Part by Elizabeth Earnshaw - Blinkist What’s in it for me? It’s not you or me – it’s stress. Does this sound familiar? A happy, communicative couple – perhaps not perfect, but doing well – suddenly shifts into toxic patterns after a major life event like a new job, a move, or the birth of a baby. Suddenly, their go-to strategies for communicating, navigating conflict, and connecting seem inadequate. Before long, the couple may begin to question whether or not they have a future together. Most couples will find themselves in this situation at some point, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship. The issue often isn’t the relationship itself, but how stress is impacting it. A recent survey found that 70 percent of American parents reported extreme stress over their children’s well-being, and post-pandemic stress levels have soared. What if, instead of blaming our relationship for our stress, we interrogated the role that stressors play in causing tension? In this Blink, we’ll use a series of imagined scenarios to examine how stressors can undermine our ability to connect and communicate. And importantly, we’ll look at how to leverage the science of stress to foster healthier, happier relationships. Picture a couple, Hana and Rami, who usually communicate well. Stress impairs communication and conflict resolution They share household tasks, discuss their issues openly, and make decisions together. But when Rami starts a stressful new job, things change. Suddenly, conversations that used to go smoothly turn into arguments. Hana’s requests for help with the kids feel ignored, and Rami becomes defensive and distant. Previously reliable communication strategies now lead to frustration and shutdowns. Why has this happened? The reason for this couple’s communication breakdown is rooted in how stress affects the brain and body. Under normal conditions, when we’re in our “safe brain” and “safe body,” we can listen, empathize, and respond calmly. But stress activates the body’s “fight, flight, or freeze” response, shifting us into a “stressed brain” and “stressed body. ” Physiologically, the body releases adrenaline and cortisol, which raise our heart rate, tense our muscles, and prepare us to react to danger. This survival mode makes it hard to think clearly or communicate effectively. So, strategies that worked during calm times – like talking things through or making rational decisions – don’t land the same way when we’re stressed. When communication falls apart under stress, behaviors like aggression, criticism, silence, or stonewalling – when someone is so overwhelmed they shut down – can emerge. These are often surface-level reactions masking deeper stressors. Couples may fall into these dysfunctional patterns because they’re stuck in stress loops. A stress loop begins with an event, thought, or interaction that triggers the body’s threat response, releasing stress hormones. If left unchecked, the cycle can escalate: the heart races, tension rises, anxiety deepens, and the couple is caught in a negative feedback loop. Our bodies record these stress responses for future reference. So when Hana and Rami argue about vacation budgets, they may actually be fighting with the underlying anxiety Rami has been carrying about job security since childhood. These past stressors stored in the body can hijack the present by replicating a response to a past situation. Breaking these stress loops involves addressing the root causes of stress. Here are some therapeutic strategies that can help: Track your body’s response to stress: Use a BPM monitor to observe your heart rate during conflicts, noticing how stress physically impacts you. Identify your stress response: Are you the cobra who lashes out in fight mode, the deer who runs away in flight, or the opossum who shuts down and freezes? Practice self-soothing: Use deep breaths, slow movements, or a simple technique like counting your breaths to calm your body. For example, count to 10 as you inhale and exhale slowly. Identify your stressors: Set a timer for five minutes and write down every stressor you can think of – both physical, like exhaustion or hunger, and psychological, such as work pressures or finances. Then, share these with your partner to increase mutual understanding. Create a break ritual: When either partner is flooded – a term that describes being overwhelmed by stress hormones and unable to process emotions rationally – agree on a plan to take a time-out. This break allows both partners to cool down before resuming the conversation. Cultivate compassion: Take note of your partner’s pain and stress. Rather than reacting defensively, practice compassion by taking steps to ease their burden, even in small ways. By addressing the stress itself, couples can free themselves from negative loops and return to healthy communication, even in difficult times. Open up about unspoken stressors It’s a typical evening in a busy household. Sarah is juggling dinner prep, remembering her kid’s school project deadline, and mentally planning tomorrow’s grocery list. Oblivious to this internal juggling act, Mike casually offers, “If you need help, why don’t you just ask me? ” This all-too-common moment underscores the burden of the mental load, which often falls unfairly on women. Mental load refers to the invisible, ongoing effort of managing a household – keeping track of appointments, tasks, and to-dos – while invisible labor describes the unpaid, unnoticed work that keeps a family or home running smoothly. Together, these constitute a form of stress that can be especially insidious, as it’s often unspoken, unnoticed, and emotionally draining. When one partner shoulders the bulk of the mental load, it can create toxic dynamics: resentment, criticism, and contempt from the overburdened partner, while the other person may become defensive or shut down. Instead of focusing solely on the relationship’s dynamics, as traditional couples therapy often does, it’s helpful to step back and examine the external pressures that contribute to the mental load. Societal expectations, exacerbated in the social media age, can create pressure to perform partnered or family life perfectly. And patriarchal systems often condition men to take on less domestic responsibility. By recognizing that the stressors and dynamics that contribute to the mental load are external, couples can work together to tackle them. But where to begin? Start by identifying the mental load in your relationship. What tasks, worries, and responsibilities are silently piling up? From there, address toxic patterns by identifying what psychologist John Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” – behaviors that spell serious trouble for relationships. These are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Replace criticism with a non-judgmental description of the issue. Instead of defensiveness, own up to mistakes. If stonewalling occurs, take a break to calm down. And replace contempt with open communication about feelings and actions. Finally, conduct a reality check. Cultivate flexible thinking by distinguishing between facts and feelings: Is your partner truly uninterested, or are they overwhelmed by their own pressures? This practice fosters compassion and builds a partnership that can withstand the inevitable stress of life. Regulation is a two-way street Imagine a couple, Cameron and Alex, going through a tough time. Alex has been feeling overwhelmed by work and family obligations. One evening, he spirals into frustration and tears. He knows he should calm down, but he just can’t seem to regulate his emotions. Cameron steps in, speaks to him in a soft voice, rubs his back, and reassures him that everything will be okay. Slowly, Alex begins to relax. This is a perfect example of co-regulation, where one partner helps the other manage their stress by providing comfort and calm. Self-regulation is often presented as the ultimate solution to stress management – being able to soothe yourself. But when you’re in a relationship, you have another powerful tool: co-regulation. Studies show that close connections, particularly romantic partners, can significantly reduce stress. For example, research found that when a person in pain held their partner’s hand, the pain lessened. Co-regulation works by allowing one person’s calm, steady presence to comfort the other, much like how a parent rocks a crying baby to sleep, using gentle touch, soft sounds, and consistent care. Co-regulation helps couples avoid co-escalation, which happens when both partners’ stress feeds off each other, leading to bigger arguments or emotional shutdowns. Instead, when one partner stays grounded and calm, they can prevent the other’s emotions from spiraling further. To effectively co-regulate, you need to first be able to manage your own emotions through self-regulation. Techniques like deep breathing, counting to ten, or practicing mindfulness can help you stay centered. The ultimate goal is to move from the “emotional mind” – where your feelings take over – to the “wise mind,” a state where both logic and emotion are balanced. For instance, instead of reacting impulsively, you might say, “I’m feeling angry, and I also know that stepping away will help me calm down. ” An essential part of the stress cycle is completion – allowing your body and mind to return to a state of calm. But modern life often doesn’t allow for this. In co-regulation, one partner can help complete the cycle by offering the signals of safety: a soft voice, gentle touch, and steady breathing. By practicing co-regulation, couples can navigate stress together, fostering a deeper bond and resilience. Stress and sex – it’s complicated Nina and Anil are going through a tough time. Anil has been stressed out at work, and Nina is struggling with the demands of raising their new baby. Their sex life, once a source of connection, has hit a roadblock. Overwhelmed and exhausted, Nina can’t even think about sex. Anil, on the other hand, craves it as a way to relieve his stress. He feels rejected and wonders if Nina just doesn’t find him attractive anymore. Nina feels guilty, thinking she might be failing as a partner. What neither of them realizes is that their sexual disconnect isn’t about their love for each other – it’s about stress. Sexual intimacy is one of the first things to suffer when stress enters the picture. Stress can impact sexual desire in vastly different ways, leading to both the avoidance of sex or a heightened need for it as a form of escape. After a big life event – like a job change, a move, or having a baby – one person’s sex drive may shut down completely, while their partner’s might ramp up as a way of seeking comfort and release. As we’ve already explored, stress can push your body into fight, flight, or freeze mode. This in turn might trigger anxiety, lower energy, and diminish sexual desire. For some, stress dampens libido, acting as a brake on sexual feelings. For others, it is an accelerator, with sex providing a much-needed release, a way to alleviate tension in stressful times. It’s important to understand that everyone has accelerators – things that turn them on – and brakes, things that turn them off. Accelerators might be feeling accomplished at work or a romantic setting, while brakes can include a stressful day or a messy environment. Both accelerators and brakes can cause conflict in relationships, especially during stressful periods. To overcome this, open communication is crucial. Asking questions like, “How are you feeling about our sex life? ” or “What’s been putting you in the mood lately? ” can help bridge the gap. Also, remember that intimacy doesn’t have to be just about sex. Emotional intimacy – sharing feelings and being vulnerable – or physical activities like going on a hike or enjoying a quiet moment together can fill the emotional bank account. Strengthening these other areas of intimacy can ease the pressure on sex and help couples reconnect over time. Choose your stress wisely Life is challenging for Maya and Jack. Jack loses his job, and instead of taking time to regroup, the couple decides to launch a business together. On top of that, Maya, who’s already stressed with family issues, enrolls in an evening course to “stay productive. ” At first, they feel like they’re handling it – juggling work, classes, and home life. But as their stress levels rise, they keep adding more tasks and goals, thinking they’re in control. Then, out of nowhere, Maya falls ill. Suddenly, the stress the couple was managing spirals out of control, and their “stress cup” overflows. What Maya and Jack are doing is chasing eustress – a form of positive stress that helps us feel motivated and accomplished. We experience eustress when we’re pushing ourselves to meet challenges, achieve goals, or make progress. It’s the feeling that keeps us going when our goals are tough but within reach. However, for some people, this coping mechanism turns into a way to avoid dealing with deeper stressors. They keep piling on tasks that seem productive – starting a business, enrolling in courses, managing multiple projects – thinking that if they stay busy, they’ll stay in control. But when eustress becomes a way of coping with chronic stress, it can turn into distress. The more you add to your plate, the more thinly spread and overwhelmed you become. Over time, this constant pressure creates a gap between the person you want to be and the reality of feeling exhausted and drained. You end up trying to bridge an impossible gap – between the life you envision and the one you’re living – until the bridge collapses. In the rush to do more, it’s easy to lose sight of your North Star – the core desires that guide your actions. For example, parents might work long hours and take on extra stress to pay for private school and fancy vacations, thinking they’re giving their kids the best. But what they truly want is to give their children love and security, which doesn’t require constant busyness or financial strain. The lesson here is that stress doesn’t always come from the challenges life throws at you; sometimes, it comes from the ones you choose to take on. Recognizing when you’re overloading yourself and reevaluating what truly matters can help you combat stress before you reach breaking point. Keep an eye on your North Star, and remember that less can sometimes be more. Final summary In this Blink to ‘Til Stress Do Us Part by Elizabeth Earnshaw, you’ve learned that many relationship issues stem from external stress rather than the relationship itself. Stress can trigger dysfunctional communication patterns like criticism and defensiveness. But by using strategies such as co-regulation, recognizing stressors, and fostering emotional intimacy, you can break stress loops and build healthier connections. Okay, that’s it for this Blink. We hope you enjoyed it. If you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. See you in the next Blink.