What’s in it for me? Banish retroactive jealousy for good!
It’s never good news when your partner’s phone starts pinging at 2:00 a.m.
Author Jeff Billings was asleep in bed with his new girlfriend when the messages came through. Unable to help himself, he asked who they were from. He got the answer nobody wants to hear: an ex-sex buddy.
Billings knew of his partner’s “adventurous” past, but these messages were the straw that broke the camel’s back. Over the next few months, he spiraled into a hellhole of retroactive jealousy.
Yet Billings was determined to keep this relationship alive, so he started searching for a way out of the torture he was experiencing. Unable to find a comprehensive guide, he resolved to create one himself. In time – and through painful trial and error – he came upon a three-part process that completely dispelled his retroactive jealousy. Not long after, the woman whose romantic and sexual past once presented such an overwhelming obstacle became his wife.
Retroactive jealousy may posture as a formidable foe, but it’s nothing compared to your strength and the strength of your relationship. Like Billings, you too can follow this three-part process and banish your retroactive jealousy for good – if you’re truly committed to doing so.
Game? Let’s get started!
Retroactive jealousy 101
Have you ever seen ducks fight? If so, you’ll know it can be an explosive affair – all feathers, splashing, and squawking. Then, just as quickly as it began, it ends. The two creatures calmly swim off into the sunset like nothing ever happened.
Billings believes humans could learn a lot from these interactions. Where ducks shake altercations off like water from their backs, we have an impossibly hard time letting all sorts of things go. Retroactive jealousy is the term for applying this obsessive holding on to our partner’s romantic or sexual history.
Right from the get-go, it’s important to highlight that this isn’t personal. Retroactive jealousy has its roots in our species’ survival and evolution, so don’t beat yourself up for succumbing to it. You aren’t the first – and certainly won’t be the last!
We’re hardwired to be alert to signs of infidelity. Evolutionarily, a man’s infidelity could mean leaving mother and child to fend for themselves – not a great position for females in prehistoric times. A woman’s infidelity, on the other hand, could result in the father raising a child that wasn’t his – equally undesirable in the eyes of Neanderthal men.
All this to say, retroactive jealousy isn’t entirely on you. Yes, there are things you can do to free yourself from its bind, but the condition itself is totally understandable.
The actual sensation of retroactive jealousy can be difficult for people to define. It often feels like a melting pot of mixed emotions. And because it’s not something commonly talked about, it can easily remain a nebulous entity burning away in our bellies.
The good news is that, in reality, there are just two primary emotions behind retroactive jealousy: fear and judgment. To paraphrase Yoda, naming something is the first step in banishing it – in fact, this clarity alone is at least half the battle.
Ironically, the fear experienced in this condition isn’t actually about your partner’s past – it’s about what your partner’s past might represent for the future. For instance, unless you have compelling evidence to suggest someone has recently reentered their life, you probably don’t feel threatened by these individuals. What does feel threatening is that your significant other has had romantic partners or sex buddies previously, which means they could again.
Judgment is the second driving emotion behind retroactive jealousy. Broadly speaking, it’s divided into two camps: judgment toward past partners or judgment toward past sexual activities. Women tend to fall into the former camp and men into the latter, but it’s entirely possible to oscillate between the two or feel both simultaneously.
What’s tricky is that judgment about your partner’s past can quickly lead to judging them as a person today. This can even spiral into judgment toward yourself for entering into a relationship with such a “questionable” individual. Hopefully it goes without saying, but judgment – whether directed toward your partner or yourself – isn’t a solid foundation on which to build a thriving relationship.
So, how can we turn this new understanding into action – and results? Don’t worry, that’s where we’re heading next. To return to Yoda’s advice, basic knowledge of your opponent is crucial. But fortunately, no grueling Jedi training is required here!
Think better
Let’s kick things off by taking some massive ownership. As we discovered in the previous section, the experience of retroactive jealousy isn’t entirely our fault – but to the extent that it is, it’s on us, not our partner. Unless we absolutely know they’re being unfaithful, they’re innocent. It’s our minds that are guilty.
Paradoxically, this insight is tremendously empowering because our mind falls within our locus of control. If we choose to, we can flip the script.
So if you’re ready to start rewriting, here are three places Billings advises addressing.
First, consider your current narrative about yourself.
Retroactive jealousy suggests an absence of self-confidence in one arena or another. After all, if you were 100 percent confident in your skin and worth, it’s unlikely you’d still be devoting time and energy to ruminating on all the ways you might pale in comparison to your partner’s past flings (might being the key word here).
Instead, turn your attention to your best attributes and qualities. What virtues are you known to embody? What are you good at? What does your partner most love about you?
Next, consider your current narrative about your partner.
Fear and judgment may be the primary emotions behind retroactive jealousy, but they ultimately symbolize a lack of trust in your relationship. So take a moment to consider whether your partner has actually given you any reason to distrust them. Here, it can be helpful to press pause on your mind and tune into your gut. Setting your mind’s wildly compelling stories aside for a second, does your body believe there’s legitimate cause for concern?
Finally, consider your current narratives about the people from your partner’s past.
Your mind is likely telling you some unhelpful stories about these individuals. Billings, for instance, felt nauseous whenever he thought about one particular guy, Jack. But he soon realized how nonsensical this was. He’d never even met Jack, so what basis did he have for so vehemently despising him? In fact, given they shared a similar taste in women, it’s not impossible they’d share other commonalities – perhaps a favorite football team, beer, or stand-up comedian.
The suggestion here isn’t that you go out and become best buds with these people, but rather that you question whether harboring unfounded personal vendettas is conducive to your mental well-being and peace of mind.
At the end of the day, all of these stories are just that: stories. So wouldn’t it be worth passing on the ones that stir up fear and judgment and fuel the retroactive jealousy fire?
Take action
Imagine you have 50 years left to live, and – for the sake of simple math – each one is 365 days long. That would mean you have 18,250 days or 438,000 hours left on the clock – never to be reclaimed, never to be redone.
While it’s unrealistic to live every day – or hour – as if it’s your last, it’s wise to think about how you want to spend those days and hours. Do you really want to be passively dwelling on the details of your partner’s past sexual escapades? Or would you rather be active, working toward building a fulfilling future together?
Now that you know what retroactive jealousy is and how you can shift your thinking about it, let’s explore how you can put this all into practice. Here are three actions Billings advises stopping, and three he suggests starting.
First, resolve to stop trawling, snooping, and quizzing. These behaviors are poor uses of your limited time on planet Earth, and certainly aren’t doing your relationship any favors.
Trawling – scouring the internet for evidence, clues, or signs – only feeds the retroactive jealousy monster, often with nothing of any real substance. Deprive it of its fuel and watch it shrink in size.
Equally tempting is snooping on your partner’s phone, emails, and social feeds. This breach of trust could come with a hefty price tag, so strive to eliminate it at all costs. Getting caught may mean watching your partner walk out the door for good.
Quizzing your partner is just as self-defeating. Ironically, you’re doing the one thing you’re trying to prevent: returning ex-lovers or sex buddies to the front and center of their mind. They likely wouldn’t be thinking about them at all if it weren’t for your ongoing cross-examinations!
Next, incorporate mindfulness, Billings’s thought exercise, and gratitude into your daily life. These might not seem like massive actions initially – but you’d be surprised by how effective they can be, compounded over time.
On the mindfulness front, see if you can notice when a jealous thought arises in the mind. Can you then spot the moment it turns into an emotion – a felt sensation in the body? And can you then recognize that you’re witnessing the thought and emotion rather than being the thought and emotion? With practice, you’ll find that more space opens up in both these microtransitions and your sense of self.
For those “in case of emergency, break glass” scenarios, Billings offers a thought exercise. Call to mind one of your past relationships or flings. Ask yourself what you feel toward them today. How often do you think about them? What relevance do they have in your life right now?
Unless this encounter was only a few days ago, you probably feel very little, hardly think about them at all, and view their relevance as close to zero. Do you really have reason to assume it’s any different for your current partner and their history?
Finally, pledge to choose happiness from here on out. A simple way of doing this is to go to sleep and wake up with thoughts of gratitude. Reflect on how lucky you are to have found your partner, to even be in a relationship, and all the little things you appreciate about your person.
Regardless of how many hours you actually have left to live, remember that – for the most part – you determine whether they’ll be meaningful or trivial. With retroactive jealousy, it doesn’t take a ton of work to move from the latter to the former, but it does require some. Commit to these few actions, and watch your life and relationship thrive.
Final summary
While retroactive jealousy is a real and natural evolutionary condition, it doesn’t have to destroy your relationship or peace of mind.
By understanding what retroactive jealousy is, shifting your mindset around it, and taking action today, you can free yourself of this experience for good. As you do, you’ll open up the space to truly appreciate your partner and relationship.