# The Parenting Map by Dr. Shefali - Blinkist

What’s in it for me? Three steps toward more mindful parenting.

As any parent knows, children don’t come with instructions.

But that doesn’t mean you have to struggle through challenging phases in your relationship with your child without any guidance.

Adopting a conscious parenting style can help you navigate a variety of developmental stages and unexpected problems, all while staying mindfully connected to your child.

And happily for parents, conscious parenting does come with a map.

So in this Blink to The Parenting Map, we’ll walk through Dr.

Shefali Tsabary’s three-step roadmap to becoming a more conscious parent.

And while your child’s unique path is ultimately theirs to choose, adhering to the principles of conscious parenting can help ensure you stay connected to them every step of their way.

Step One: Release yourself from unproductive parenting patterns

Begin your journey toward conscious parenting by understanding the unique parenting problems that you’re facing.

Remember, parenting is all about you.

If it were all about your child, it would be called “childing.

” And this is a good thing.

It frees you from the impossible task of raising the “perfect” kid – one who is sporty, imaginative, intellectual, sociable – all while simultaneously giving them an ideal childhood in which they’re always happy and never angry or frustrated.

This child-centered approach can lead to micromanaging and controlling our kids rather than connecting with them.

This might be tough to admit to yourself, but you do not love your child unconditionally.

Immeasurably, yes – but the love we have for our children is predicated on control.

When their actions don’t align with our agendas – when they don’t score A’s at school or they struggle to make friends – we go into control-freak mode: we punish, or withdraw, or micromanage.

Acknowledging the ways in which you need to control your child can release you from this need, as you consciously work on meeting your child where they are and addressing their needs instead of your own.

Replace control with compassion and inquiry.

Next time your child fails to meet your expectations and you’re tempted to switch into control mode, ask yourself, Why do I feel the need to be right here?

Why am I threatened if my child doesn’t follow my agenda?

Let them be sad when they’re sad and angry when they’re angry – don’t try to place a positive spin on tough situations in an effort to protect your child from any emotion other than happiness.

A conscious parent also accepts their child’s failures when they inevitably occur – they don’t try to problem-solve them into successes.

Let go of outcome-oriented goals like having a happy or successful child.

Instead, work toward enhancing the process-oriented practices of presence and experience while you’re with your child.

Embrace the present moment, and the experiences you and your child are undergoing within it – whether those experiences are good or bad.

The final thing conscious parents need to let go of?

Labels.

Have you ever heard a group of parents comparing notes on their children?

You might have heard adjectives like “good” or “bad,” “easy” or “challenging,” “lazy” or “driven” being thrown around.

You might have used words like this to describe your own child.

But let’s probe a little more.

Often, the qualities we use to determine a “good” kid – qualities like calmness, obedience, compliance – are simply qualities that make us feel like “good” parents.

Equally, the qualities we use to determine a “bad” kid – rebelliousness, adventurousness, defiance – aren’t inherently bad, but make us feel like “bad” parents.

Encouraging our children to conform to our idea of “good” in reality means policing our children’s choices and behaviors based on the needs of our own egos.

Try supporting your child in actions and behaviors that feel good to them.

Here’s an example.

Let’s say your nine-year-old is a talented pianist.

Lately, they’ve admitted they’re not enjoying piano lessons and would like to quit.

Instead of appealing to them to show discipline, to stick with lessons, to keep improving – in other words to be good – show your child you’ll support them in listening to their inner voice, and making a decision that feels good.

Try something along these lines: “I can see you don’t like piano at the moment.

I’ll come with you to your next few lessons and we can check in about how you feel each time.

If you still don’t like it, I’ll help you decide on a next step that does feel good to you.

” You’re not encouraging your child to adhere to a label, like “good” or “hardworking,” that ultimately serves your ego more than them.

You’re empowering them to listen to their own intuition and emotions in order to make the choices that feel right for them.

Step Two: Manage your ego, extinguish your triggers

Every child is different – but, from the moment they enter this world, all children share one crucial need: the need to be seen and accepted as their authentic selves by the people closest to them.

Sadly, this is often extremely difficult for parents to do.

Why?

Because our own parents failed to do the same for us, because their parents failed to do it for them, in a pattern going back generations.

As children, we quickly learn that our parents want us to be and to act in certain ways that don’t always line up with our authentic selves.

But to avoid disappointing or angering our parents, we try to conform to their expectations.

From the first time we do this, our self is divided in two: the inner child, in touch with our true feelings and nature, and the ego, the outward mask we present to those around us, which responds to the inner child’s unspoken needs out of fear or anger.

Our ego is actually meant to protect our true self – but, ironically, egoic behavior often creates far more problems than it solves.

Here are some ego behaviors that are likely damaging your relationship with your child: yelling and screaming at your child; engaging in self-critique; emotionally withdrawing when unpleasant emotions are triggered; shutting down when faced with difficult situations.

How do you break the control your ego has over you and your actions?

Well, while we all have an ego, everyone’s ego manifests differently.

Which one of these four broad categories do you feel you fall into?

The Fighter manages their fear through anger – they rage at others to make themselves feel powerful.

The Fixer panics at the first sign of a problem and rushes in to find solutions.

They are terrified to let themselves, or others, sit with uncomfortable feelings.

The Feigner has convinced themselves that if they can project an image of success and confidence, their insecurities and fears won’t actually matter.

They seek validation from others, from their careers, from their material possessions – anywhere but from themselves.

The Freezer is convinced that connecting with others will only bring them emotional pain.

At the first sign of conflict or unpleasantness they make their escape, by removing themselves physically or emotionally from every uncomfortable situation.

Once you’ve identified the ego masks you deploy, gently interrogate yourself.

Why do you think you began to rely on your ego mask in the first place?

What childhood experiences led you to hide behind this ego mask?

Continuing with this line of inquiry, start noticing which events – or triggers – cause your egoic behaviors to erupt.

Perhaps something that sets you off time and again is when your child doesn’t listen to you.

Now, “Child doesn’t listen to parent” isn’t an inherently negative situation – it’s a normal occurrence that happens all the time, all over the world.

But if it aggravates your inner wounds – say, if your parents never paid attention to you – then your ego can kick into overdrive.

Don’t continue the cycle of egoic explosions with your child –  they’re not responsible for your inner wounds, and if they inadvertently trigger one of your inner wounds, they shouldn’t bear the brunt of your ego.

Once you’ve identified how and why your ego is working, it’s time to release yourself.

Think of your inner child as one self, and your ego as another; now, it’s time to activate a third self: our inner parent, who cares for and validates our inner child – which, in turn, allows our wounded inner child to release the ego it has constructed to protect itself.

Step Three: Learn to accept your child, and connection will flow

Once you’ve begun the work of healing yourself, you can begin the challenging but rewarding process of first accepting and then connecting with your child.

The goal of conscious parenting is simple: accept your child for who they are, unconditionally.

But this simple goal is very difficult to put into practice.

Think about it.

How many people in your life do you accept unconditionally – including among your friends, your family, and even yourself?

For most people, the answer will be none.

But it is possible to create this kind of unconditional acceptance for your child, especially after you have done the work outlined in Stage Two of healing your own inner child.

Begin by connecting with your child’s true essence.

While each child is unique, they are likely to fall into one of these six broad categories.

The anxious explorer is highly sensitized to their environment; it only takes the slightest trigger for them to snap.

They are wildly imaginative, but often obsess over worst-case scenarios.

They need a calm, centered parent to act as a foil to their emotionality.

The hyperactive explorer is always on the go, constantly engaging with the world on their own terms – and a lot of the time, this means breaking rules and flouting conventions.

The hyperactive explorer is often labeled as defiant or diagnosed with ADHD.

They need a parent who can honor, rather than stifle, their unconventional spirit.

The overdoer is pliant and eager to please.

While they may seem like a dream child, all too often they crack under the pressure of conforming to everyone else’s expectations of them.

They need a parent whose ego won’t hijack their soft nature.

The dreamer recluse is happiest when they’re off in their own world – they are dreamy, introverted, and forgetful.

They are prone to being bullied and often act in ways that are puzzling to their more conventional peers.

They need a parent who won’t try to force them into a more conventional mold.

The rebel non-conformist is bold, confrontational, and unafraid to speak their mind.

They are quick to shut off when they feel they are being disempowered, and will rebel when they feel disrespected.

They need a parent who will respect their natural drive and determination.

The easy-breezy child is sunny, unconcerned, and a pleasure to be around – they want to breeze through life at their own pace.

They need a parent who won’t freak out over their apparent lack of ambition and drive, and will trust them to go where they need to in their own time.

Try to remember – parenting is about being, not about doing.

Whether your child is an anxious explorer or a rebel non-conformist,  try to be with them and their unique nature, rather than trying to change them.

Once you can simply be with your child, it’s time to take things a step farther, and work on actively connecting with them.

This can be challenging – children communicate differently from adults.

As a parent, you need to learn your child’s language.

Young children’s primary language is unstructured play.

Get down on the floor with your child and do what they do, whether that’s hiding under the table or slithering over the carpet like a snake.

Resist the urge to correct them or to turn their game into a learning experience.

Playing with your child on their terms is one of the best ways to validate them – after all, you’re entering their world of imagination and possibility and, most importantly, you’re taking it as seriously as they do.

How do you connect with your child when their behavior becomes actively challenging?

You can still guide your child’s behavior and keep them from harm without resorting to ego-centric traditional punishments.

Here are three methods to try instead: First up: negotiation.

We avoid negotiation because it seems hard and time-consuming.

It’s easy for parents to say, “You’re not getting your ears pierced until you’re in high school, and that’s final!

” Sitting down with your child and finding a solution in which you both get – in part or in full – what you want is far more time-consuming and potentially frustrating.

But entering open-heartedly into the negotiation process tells your child you take their needs seriously and are prepared to fulfill them to the best of your abilities.

The next technique: boundary-setting.

Be careful with boundaries.

While they are meant to protect our capacity to interact lovingly with others, to protect their health and our own, all too often we use boundaries as walls to shut people out and control their behavior.

The moment you use a boundary to micromanage your child – for example: “You can’t have any more chocolate chip cookies because you’re overweight” – is the moment your ego takes over.

Set boundaries, instead, out of an intention to preserve communal well-being, without singling out problem behaviors – for example: “Chocolate chip cookies aren’t healthy to eat.

So we won’t have them in the house anymore.

”  The final technique?

Consequences.

Conscious parents make their children aware their actions have consequences, but they don’t go out of their way to shield their children from them.

Many parents impose artificial consequences to protect their child from the natural effects of their behavior – think: if you don’t do your homework, you’ll lose screen time privileges.

But experiencing natural repercussions has been shown to be far more effective at deterring poor behavior and decision-making in future.

What if your child did experience those natural consequences of their actions?

Discuss what will happen if they don’t do their homework – perhaps they’ll receive a punishment from their teacher.

What would be so bad about that?

Step out of the way, and let your children experience consequences for themselves.

When you can accept your child for who they are, and for the choices they make, without trying to impose your own egoic demands on them, then you can fully enter into the radical joy of conscious parenting.

Congratulations on beginning a journey that will bring your relationship with your child to the best place it can possibly be.

Final Summary

In three steps, you can heal your relationship with your child.

First, unlearn the controlling parental patterns you have been perpetuating.

Second, heal your own inner wounds, so you can release yourself and your child from harmful egoic behaviors.

Finally, accept your child as they are and connect with them on their own terms.