What’s in it for me? Learn some simple strategies to develop your emotional intelligence.
You’re sitting on your board during a surf contest.
The ocean feels calm, and you’re focused on reading the swell.
Then, out of nowhere, something massive slams into you from below.
You lose balance.
You’re in the water.
You see the fin.
It’s a shark – huge, fast, and far too close.
You kick.
You swing.
You try to get back on your board, but your leash has snapped.
For a few seconds, you’re not sure you’ll make it out alive.
That’s exactly what happened to Mick Fanning on July 19, 2015, during the final of the J-Bay Open in South Africa.
The event was being broadcast live.
A 14-foot great white shark hit him from beneath while he waited for his first wave.
Luckily, he escaped without physical injury, but the emotional impact was harder to shake.
Fanning couldn’t just get back in the water.
He took time to recover, choosing carefully when and where to surf again.
He spoke openly about how shaken he was – how the fear didn’t just hit in the ocean, but sometimes struck out of nowhere, even far from the water.
He had flashbacks.
He cried when he was alone.
He felt mentally fragile, worn down not just by the attack but by the constant expectation to perform.
At times, he wasn’t sure he even wanted to compete anymore.
What helped most was space – time off the tour, time with family, and quiet support from fellow surfers.
He wrestled with survivor’s guilt and emerged with a clearer sense of what really mattered.
When he returned to Jeffreys Bay a year later, the fear was still there, but he showed up anyway.
By confronting not just the waves, but the emotions tied to them, Fanning proved he could meet the moment on his own terms.
In this Blink, you’ll learn how emotional intelligence – or EQ – helps us do just that: recognize, manage, and grow through emotional challenges.
You’ll explore the four key EQ skills – self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management – and pick up practical tools to strengthen each one.
Hopefully, you’ll never have to recover from a shark attack – but whatever emotional stress life does throw your way, these tools will help you feel more grounded, resilient, and ready for what comes next.
How your emotional intelligence influences your thinking and relationships
Do you ever wonder why your feelings often seem to guide your decisions?
It’s because your brain is wired to process emotions first.
When you take in anything through your senses – touch, smell, sight, hearing, and taste – those signals go straight to your limbic system, the part of your brain that handles emotions, long before your logical mind gets involved.
In other words, your ability to think clearly is shaped by how well you understand your emotions.
Without that awareness, your feelings can end up running the show.
This constant interaction between your emotional and rational brain is at the core of emotional intelligence – a skill set made up of four key abilities that help you navigate your inner world and your relationships more effectively.
The first, self-awareness, is a foundational ability that allows you to recognize and understand your emotions as they arise.
Being self-aware means paying attention to what you’re feeling, identifying the emotion accurately, and reflecting on what may have triggered it.
It’s about observing your inner experience without judgment – curious rather than critical.
When you practice self-awareness, you create space between stimulus and response, allowing for more thoughtful, intentional choices instead of reactive ones.
Building on that, the second skill is self-management, which is your ability to regulate your emotions so they support, rather than sabotage, your actions.
Once you're aware of how you feel, self-management helps you respond in a balanced, constructive way – even under pressure.
It involves staying calm, adaptable, and focused when emotions run high.
With this skill, you can align your behavior with your values, take initiative, and maintain motivation, regardless of emotional ups and downs.
Next comes social awareness, which is the capacity to understand what others are feeling and to empathize with their perspectives.
This skill involves tuning in to nonverbal cues, listening deeply, and recognizing the emotional undercurrents in a room or group.
With strong social awareness, you can better understand people’s needs, communicate more thoughtfully, and navigate social dynamics with sensitivity and respect.
It’s essential for meaningful connection and effective collaboration.
Finally, we arrive at relationship management, which ties all the emotional intelligence skills together.
This is the ability to use your understanding of emotions – both your own and others’ – to manage interactions skillfully.
It includes clear communication, constructive conflict resolution, and the ability to inspire or influence others in positive ways.
Whether in personal or professional settings, relationship management is about building trust, fostering cooperation, and maintaining strong, healthy connections.
In the remaining sections of this Blink you’ll find practical strategies to strengthen each of these skills.
Pick one to start with, focus on it until it becomes second nature, then move on to the next.
Remember, emotional intelligence isn’t something you’re born with – it’s something you can build, one skill at a time.
The long road to self-awareness
Over your lifetime, you’ll never stop developing your self-awareness.
At times you may feel some discomfort as you discover some surprising things about yourself, but don’t despair, you’ll be growing through that process and it’s better to understand it.
Here are some simple strategies to help you master your EQ.
First, simply labeling feelings can have a calming effect.
Research shows that when you name an emotion your frontal cortex engages and your amygdala quietens down.
And it doesn’t just work with yours, either.
When you name someone else’s emotion, the person calms down too.
Labeling may also increase your longevity.
One study found that people over 100 years old express their emotions more than the average person.
So try labeling what you feel next time you’re down, and watch how it helps shift your perspective.
Next up, be confident.
This increases your chances of succeeding – and that’s true even when you’re wrong!
So here are seven general behavioral traits which can help boost your confidence: Never make excuses.
Never give up.
Act without waiting for permission.
Don’t expect or seek praise.
Don’t procrastinate.
Avoid judgment – of yourself and others.
Push your boundaries when you’re starting to feel comfortable.
Practice these behaviors consistently, and you'll find your confidence growing over time.
If you’ve read enough self help books, you already know this one: maintain healthy sleep habits.
Research shows undeniably that sleep is good for you both physically and mentally.
It actually removes toxic proteins from your neurons that build up during your normal waking brain activity and reduces your susceptibility to heart attacks, strokes, type-2 diabetes and obesity.
The amount of sleep you need varies from person to person, but most people underestimate what they need.
Try going to bed 30-minutes earlier and adjust the amount of sleep you need until you find an amount that promotes optimal performance.
And don’t think that coffee is going to help you out when your sleep deprivation leaves you craving energy.
Be mindful that coffee takes 24 hours to be fully out of your system.
Your 8 a.
m.
coffee is still at 25 percent efficacy at 8 p.
m.
and that coffee you have after lunch is at 50 percent when you go to bed.
So try cutting back, but do this gradually to reduce flu-like withdrawal symptoms.
Take it further and limit your coffee to the morning.
You may be surprised how much your sleep quality improves as a result.
Emotions can arise suddenly and powerfully, often beyond your control – but what you do next is entirely up to you.
Steps toward self-management
Choosing how to respond, rather than react, puts you back in the driver’s seat.
With the right self-management strategies, even your most difficult emotions can become a source of clarity and direction.
To help you get started, here are a few simple techniques that can make a big difference.
The first – and perhaps most important – is to slow down.
Strong emotions can cloud your thinking, making it hard to make rational decisions in the heat of the moment.
Rather than acting on impulse, give yourself space to reflect.
If possible, sleep on it.
During REM sleep, your brain engages in neuronal repair and emotional processing, which can help you see things more clearly and make unexpected connections.
Another essential strategy is learning when – and how – to say no.
Maybe your boss asks you to take on extra work, or a loved one makes a request that doesn't align with your values or needs.
While it’s natural to want to accommodate others, saying yes out of obligation can lead to stress, burnout, or resentment.
Setting boundaries helps protect your energy and integrity.
Be polite but firm.
Instead of saying, “I’m not sure I can,” try, “I won’t be able to this time.
” Clarity builds respect, for yourself and from others.
Do you catch yourself complaining often?
If so, it might be time to pause and reflect.
Frequent complaining doesn’t just affect your mood – it actually rewires your brain.
Over time, it can become a default habit and shape how others see you.
But beyond perception, it can cause real harm.
Research shows that chronic complaining may shrink the hippocampus, the part of the brain responsible for problem-solving and critical thinking.
It also increases levels of cortisol, the stress hormone that activates the fight-or-flight response and weakens your immune system.
So what can you do instead?
Start by shifting your focus toward gratitude.
Try setting a daily reminder on your phone to pause and think of one thing you're thankful for.
Practicing gratitude – even briefly – can interrupt negative thought patterns and create space for more positive energy in your day.
Next, try shifting from complaints to solutions.
Start by pinpointing what’s truly bothering you.
Then, approach the conversation constructively – for example, if you're addressing a company, you might begin by highlighting a positive past experience.
Clearly explain the issue, and finish by stating the outcome you’d like to see.
This approach fosters resolution and mutual respect, reducing the chances of conflict or defensiveness.
And finally, stop multitasking.
Despite popular belief, it doesn’t make you more productive, in fact, it can actually reduce your productivity and may even harm your brain.
The truth is, your brain can’t fully focus on two tasks at once; it simply switches back and forth, reducing the quality of attention you give to each.
Research suggests that habitual multitasking could actually lead to lasting cognitive decline and make it harder to concentrate even when you’re doing just one thing.
So, instead, train yourself to focus fully on the task at hand.
You’ll work more efficiently, think more clearly, and likely feel less stressed as a result.
The path to deeper social awareness
Have you ever wished you could understand people better?
As you improve your social awareness your ability to build stronger relationships will improve, too.
You’ll begin to see others in a new light – and they’ll also notice a difference in you.
With fewer misunderstandings and deeper empathy, your interactions will become more meaningful and effective.
Here are some easy-to-adopt strategies to help you get started.
Many people believe they're above-average listeners – but statistically, that can’t be true.
The good news?
You can always get better, no matter what your current level of listening is.
It starts with giving someone your full attention.
Put away distractions, especially your phone.
Then, try reflective listening: paraphrase what the other person has said to confirm your understanding.
Ask thoughtful questions that deepen the conversation rather than steer it in a new direction.
And unless you’re asking a clarifying question, aim to listen more than you speak.
When you’re talking, you also want to be listened to.
How can you achieve that?
First off, you need to understand your audience – whether it’s one person or a whole group.
Adjust your message as you go to keep their attention.
Next, be mindful of upspeak, the tendency to raise your pitch at the end of sentences.
Our brains often interpret this as uncertainty, which can undermine your credibility.
Finally, focus on storytelling rather than just delivering facts.
If you want to learn from the best, watch TED talks – they typically balance about 75 percent story with 25 percent data, making their messages memorable and persuasive.
Psychologist Robert Feldman has been studying lying for over a decade.
His research indicates that in a ten-minute chat, a majority of individuals – about six out of ten – tell two or three lies.
The reasons behind these lies often relate to social goals: women tend to tell lies to make others feel better, while men are more likely to exaggerate or fabricate details to enhance their own image.
So how can you tell when someone is being dishonest?
Common signs of deception include excessive detail, repeating points, or trying to fill silences.
Liars may also display tell-tale body language: covering their mouths, touching their faces, shifting toward an exit, fidgeting, holding eye contact unnaturally long, or breathing heavily.
Being able to spot potential dishonesty can help you avoid being misled.
Still, be cautious – behaviours like fidgeting can have other causes, especially for people with conditions like ADHD.
We’ll end this section with an interesting study about car buyers.
When people were given all the facts and made a careful, logical decision, only about 25 percent were happy with their choice.
But when buyers went with their gut instinct, around 60 percent ended up satisfied.
That tells us something important: your intuition often knows more than you think.
And it’s not just useful for buying cars.
Tuning in to your intuition can actually help you become more socially aware, too.
How?
Start by slowing down and listening to that quiet inner voice.
Take a walk, get some space from your usual distractions, and pay attention to what you feel.
With practice, you’ll be able to tap into this inner sense wherever you are.
When talking with others, try to notice more than just their words.
Pay attention to body language, tone, and emotional cues.
Start small – test your instincts in everyday situations.
As you build confidence, you’ll find your intuition becomes a powerful guide in more important moments, too.
In this final section, we’ll explore strategies to help you strengthen your relationship management skills.
Developing effective relationship management
This is where everything comes together – your self-awareness, your understanding of others through social awareness, and your ability to respond effectively through self-management.
Relationship management is about applying all three in real time, as you navigate interactions and build meaningful connections.
First, when you care about someone, let it show.
It might feel vulnerable at times, but expressing your feelings honestly is how strong, lasting relationships are built.
Whether you like someone a lot or simply appreciate something small about them, say it.
Sharing genuine appreciation builds trust – literally.
When you connect this way, both of your brains release oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” which fosters connection and eases tension.
As a result, your relationships grow more resilient, and you're more likely to approach disagreements with understanding and calm.
Some relationships require clear boundaries, and setting them well depends on emotional intelligence.
That means tuning into your feelings, reflecting on them calmly, and responding with intention rather than impulse.
When something’s not working, try to shift from focusing on the problem to thinking about constructive solutions.
For instance, you don’t need to engage equally with everyone on your team.
If someone is consistently difficult, it’s okay to create distance and protect your emotional energy.
And if a boundary is crossed, lead with emotional maturity: forgive so you’re not carrying resentment, but don’t ignore what happened.
Use that insight to reinforce your boundaries moving forward with clarity and respect.
And when it comes to conflict, be assertive – even if that feels challenging.
What does that mean?
Well, don’t act passively or aggressively; you need to find that sweet spot in between.
You can start by asking questions to get to the root cause of the conflict.
Don’t point out flaws but rather try to understand the other person’s viewpoint.
Offer solutions rather than simply challenging other people’s ideas.
Swap “but” for “and” to create a more open, cooperative conversation – that simple switch makes a big difference.
You can also use hypothetical scenarios to explore options without sounding confrontational.
These approaches not only defuse tension, but also help turn conflict into a real chance for connection and growth.
Final summary
In this Blink to The New Emotional Intelligence by Travis Bradberry, you’ve explored the four core skills that make up emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management.
These abilities shape how you understand your emotions, make decisions, and connect with others.
You’ve learned how simply naming your emotions can help calm your brain, how confidence and sleep play a role in emotional regulation, and how setting boundaries and practicing gratitude can strengthen relationships.
Strategies like reflective listening, pausing before reacting, and tapping into your intuition all support more thoughtful, balanced emotional responses.
The good news is that emotional intelligence isn’t fixed – it’s something you can build with consistent effort.
By focusing on one skill at a time and practicing small, intentional habits each day, you can deepen your emotional insight and handle life’s challenges with greater clarity, empathy, and resilience.
Okay, that’s it for this Blink.
We hope you enjoyed it.
If you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback.
See you in the next Blink.