# The Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton - Blinkist What’s in it for me? Enjoy love, sex, and intimacy in abundance. Although the word “slut” has frequently been used as a pejorative, Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, the authors of The Ethical Slut, are determined to claim it as an approving – even celebratory – term. Does sharing your sexuality with a range of other people feel empowering to you? Congratulations, you’re a slut! Does one sexual experience leave you feeling energized for more sexual experiences? Congratulations, you’re a slut! Are you attracted to the idea of creating and maintaining multiple warm, loving, intimate relationships? Congratulations, you’re a slut! Are you exploring opening up your monogamous relationship to others on a casual basis? Congratulations, you’re a slut! Do you identify as fiercely independent and turn to others to get your sexual needs met in a commitment-free context? Congratulations, you’re a slut! For the authors, being a slut means embracing dynamics for sex, relationships, and romance that fall outside the mold of typical monogamy. You need relationship advice that breaks the mold, too. This Blink is filled with just that – strategies and insights for sexual adventurers. Are you ready to maximize fun and sexual delight while minimizing hurt feelings and emotional tangles? Let go of conservative myths, and embrace sex-positive beliefs. Be honest – do you ever feel bad, embarrassed, or guilty about being a slut? You shouldn’t! But it’s understandable if you sometimes do. Western culture tends to criticize relationships that fall outside the strictly monogamous, preferably heterosexual model. Many sluts find they need to unlearn harmful, engrained lessons about sex and love before they can completely embrace their new lifestyle. Here are some key cultural myths that might be holding you back: Long-term monogamous relationships are the only authentic relationships. Humans are the only primates who engage in long-term monogamous relationships, and the concept of such relationships is relatively recent in human history, too. Many people believe they will achieve complete emotional and sexual fulfillment when they find their “other half” – high incidences of infidelity and divorce should be enough to prove this belief demonstrably flawed. The only real love is romantic love. Spine-tingling, butterflies-in-the-stomach romantic love, the stuff of pop songs and romance novels, does exist – but it’s far from the only type of love that can exist between sexual partners. And it’s hardly a prerequisite for lasting, fulfilling relationships. Jealousy is inevitable in nonmonogamous relationships. Jealousy is a natural emotion – the prospect of experiencing it or inflicting it shouldn’t keep you in a monogamous relationship that’s not fulfilling your needs. It’s also not inevitable. When you and your partners are open and honest about your sexual adventures, you may be able to take it out of the equation entirely. Sex outside a relationship reduces intimacy within it. Sleeping with someone outside a relationship doesn’t need to be something you do to your partner; it can be something you do for yourself. When sex and intimacy outside the primary relationship is handled respectfully, there’s no reason it should impact you or your primary partner negatively. If you’re still attached to any of these myths, even subconsciously, consider this permission to abandon them entirely. Here are some principles you might consider adopting in their stead: Sex is the end – not the means. Sex is often framed as a tool – a physical act designed to bolster love, commitment, and monogamy. There’s nothing wrong with having sex in this way. There’s also plenty to celebrate about sex that enhances intimacy and friendship, sex as exploration and adventure, and sex for its own sake. You are enough. You, on your own, are a fundamental, functional sexual unit. Adding more people into the mix can be a lot of fun – but you don’t need anybody else to complete you. Abundance is available. When you give love and sex to two or more people instead of to one, you’re not dividing a finite resource between them – you’re multiplying it. Your capacity for love, sex, and intimacy is greater than you might think. Sluts are made, not born. It doesn’t matter if you’re exploring promiscuity or polyamory for the first time, or if you’re an experienced slut – you’ll need strategies and skills to navigate the galaxy of relationship possibilities waiting for you. Here are some of the most important tools you can have in your kit: Consent Informed, enthusiastic, and ongoing consent which can be revoked at any time – no strings attached, and no questions asked – should be the foundation of all your sexual adventures. Safer sex practices No sex is completely risk-free. Depending on the configurations in which you’re having sex, you should take appropriate precautions to reduce your risk of pregnancy – and of spreading or contracting HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases like herpes, gonorrhea, and cervical cancer. Consider using physical barriers. Penis-havers can use a condom when engaging in vaginal sex, anal sex, and fellatio; gloves can be used when masturbating a partner; and dental dams or plastic wrap provide protection during cunnilingus and analingus. If you prefer not to use physical barriers with your primary partner or partners, consider the practice of fluid monogamy. This is essentially an agreement where all members of the primary group are free to play together without physical barriers – but all members are diligent about using physical barriers when playing outside the group. Finally, whatever safer sex methods you use, visit your health-care provider for regular STD testing. Boundaries Boundaries are a crucial tool for negotiating all the competing needs and preferences that can arise in a nonconventional relationship dynamic. Establish firm boundaries around your emotions – your feelings are your responsibility to work through. By the same token, while it’s nice to be supportive of your partner or partners, their feelings are not yours to solve or share. Establish firm boundaries around sharing feelings. Talking through your feelings with others is healthy – dumping, in the expectation that they will help resolve your issues or take on your anxieties, is not. Set expectations around conversations where you share your emotions by saying things like, “I’m feeling insecure about your date with Aaliyah – are you up for talking through my worries? ” Also establish firm boundaries around your roles. You might feel comfortable having certain conversations or engaging in certain sex acts with some partners but not others. For example, you might enjoy bondage play. Some of your partners will be excited to tie you up – but if some aren’t, that’s a boundary that needs to be respected. Being in multiple relationships is a wonderful opportunity to live out your multiple selves. Honor the roles you, your partners, and their partners play in each other’s lives. Communication Learning to talk openly and listen effectively is a must for every slut. Be honest with your emotions, and if you need something – physical affection, reassurance, space – from your partners, ask for it. The phrase “I shouldn’t have to ask” should not be in your vocabulary. Don’t tune out when talking with a partner, either. One really effective technique to enhance communication is to listen carefully to what a partner says – and then repeat back what you think they said before bringing in your own thoughts and feelings in response. Affection Just about everyone loves the feeling of being loved, so be as promiscuous as you like in your displays of affection – outside of sex, touching, cuddling, giving compliments and little gifts, and spending quality time together can all enhance intimacy. Faithfulness If you have one, or a few, primary partners and you’re seeing other people outside that circle, explore how you can demonstrate an elevated level of commitment to those primary partners. Perhaps you can agree to introduce them to any of your new romantic partners before things get too serious; maybe certain activities, like sleepovers, are off-limits outside the primary partnership. Planning If you’re a slut, you need a calendar – preferably a group calendar that’s accessible to multiple people. You can use this calendar to not only fill in dates with other people, but to schedule time to address important needs across your relationships. That might be something as serious as discussing a distressing issue or as fun as blocking out a few hours for sex. The road to free love isn’t always smooth … and that’s OK. Being a slut is fun. But it isn’t always easy. In this section, we’ll take a look at some of the problems that come with nonmonogamous living. Let’s start with the biggie. Jealousy. All too often, people who are interested in free love don’t end up exploring it – they’re too scared they’ll experience jealousy themselves, inflict it on others, or both. Here’s the thing: free love will probably cause you to experience jealousy at some time or another. And jealousy can feel bad. But loving freely can feel so deeply and incredibly good that it’s definitely worth the trade-off. And guess what? Jealousy, just like any other unpleasant emotion, is manageable. When you find yourself feeling jealous, try and sit with that feeling without acting on it – jealousy is only a net negative when it’s expressed in ways like throwing tantrums, turning on the silent treatment, or flinging insults and recriminations. If that jealousy needs to be expressed in some way, try self-expression. Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal, or break out your art supplies and create an image that reflects what you’re feeling. Try and talk through your feelings of jealousy with a trusted friend without – this part is crucial – assigning responsibility for those feelings to anyone else. Simply sharing how you’re feeling, without any expectation that anyone will change their behavior, can take the sting out of jealous feelings. Some partnerships advocate for a “jelly moment” – a window in which one partner can share feelings of jealousy, no matter how petty or dramatic. It’s the other partner’s job to sympathize with and validate the feelings. Another potential minefield in open, adventurous relationships? Assumptions. Unspoken agreements about what is and isn’t on the table can come back to bite you. Don’t assume your partner knows you don’t want them to sleep with your exes, or that the Italian restaurant where you had your first date is “your” special spot. Turn your assumptions into agreements. Agreements can range from “I don’t want to know about your other partners” to “I’d like to get coffee with you and your potential partners before things turn physical between you. ”  It’s important to note that you and your partners may have different visions for your relationships – and different priorities you’d like to pursue outside your primary partnerships. Your agreements need to make space for those differences and, as such, may feel asymmetrical. For example, one partner might agree not to have long-term relationships outside the primary partnership, while it’s also agreed that the other partner is free to pursue long-term relationships. To an outsider, this agreement might look lopsided – but who cares? Agreements aren’t there to create parity – they’re put in place to protect everyone’s emotional well-being equally. They’re also not necessarily permanent – you’re free to revisit, adapt, and even scrap agreements that no longer serve your relationships. Let’s wrap up by addressing a particularly tricky challenge – opening up an existing relationship. Maybe you’re in a monogamous relationship; maybe you have a series of compartmentalized relationships that you’d like to bring together. Wherever you’re at, your next steps are going to involve some delicate negotiations. Ideally, you’re honest and upfront about your desire to expand your sexual parameters before you start seeing other people, flirting online, or indulging your kink-curiosities with others. In reality, cheating and secrecy often occur before the discussion about opening the relationship. If you’re in this boat, your first priority will be to rebuild trust with your nonconsenting partner. If you’re able to reach a place where you can consider opening things up together, start by envisioning your future relationship configuration. Be specific. You and your partner may well envision different things – perhaps you’re looking forward to weekends packed with sex parties, while they’re imagining wholesome mountain hikes as a throuple. Luckily, using agreements can help you bring both your dreams into reality. Be aware, though, that you might not achieve this idealized vision for a while. Instead of diving in at the deep end, spend some time paddling in the shallows with your partner as you take tiny steps toward a fully open relationship. Try going to a club together, or perusing dating apps, and talk about who else there piques your interest and what it might look and feel like to strike up a flirtation with them. Or try a “Yes, No, Maybe” exercise. Create a list of entry-level polyamorous activities – things like inviting someone else on a coffee date, posting a profile on a dating app, or going to sex-positive clubs and parties. Sort them into things you’d like to do (yes), things you’d like to avoid (no), and things you’re not sure about (maybe). If you and your partner both class an activity as a “yes,” try it out. Make sure to check back in with each other consistently and – even in all the excitement of embarking on a new sexual adventure – to spend quality romantic time with each other, too. Commit to pleasure. Whether you’re a seasoned slut or only beginning to explore sluthood, there’s one conclusion you’ve probably already reached: sex is fun, and pleasure is worth seeking out. It might seem basic, but this is, in fact, a pretty powerful realization. Many of us grow up absorbing the lessons of a conservative culture that casual sex is sleazy, dangerous, and immoral. It’s liberating and exciting to let go of these lessons. In that liberated spirit, let’s look at some techniques you might find useful in your pursuit of sexual pleasure. Good sex starts with yourself – quite literally. When pioneering sexologists William Masters and Virginia Johnson surveyed individuals with satisfying sex lives, they found that all these individuals masturbated. Masturbation isn’t a last resort when there’s no one else around – sexually successful people masturbate frequently! A masturbation session is a sacred opportunity to get to know your likes and dislikes around things like rhythm, pressure, edging, and toys. Tune into your turn-on. Too often, people think that getting turned on is something that happens randomly – a sexy lightning strike. Actually, you have much more control over whether and how you get turned on than you might think. Repeat this mantra: My turn-on is waiting for me; I just have to find it. Get to know the visual, verbal, tactile, or emotional sensations that put you in the mood, and experiment – alone or with a partner – with finding new turn-ons. Establish your conditions. Everyone has unique turn-ons; by the same token, everyone has unique conditions that need to be met before they can fully abandon themselves to sexual pleasures. What are yours? Maybe you need to feel assured the baby is asleep; maybe you need your partner to turn their phone off; maybe you like a clean environment and fresh sheets on the bed. Determine what might take you out of the moment, and deal with it before it becomes an issue. Get out there. Many sluts enjoy orgies and sex parties – and you can, too! These days, rules regarding things like consent and intoxication are often circulated before an event, or posted at the entrance. Abide by them – they’re designed to protect everyone’s pleasure. A few more tips: Wear comfortable clothes, but don’t be afraid to experiment with sensual fabrics like leather or silk. If you’d like to join a group that’s already playing, don’t approach or try and insert yourself into the dynamic. Instead, make discreet eye contact, and wait to see if someone in the group beckons you to join. Finally, remember that confidentiality is key – if you see someone you know or recognize at a sex party, it’s not appropriate to share this information with anyone outside the party. Keep experimenting. Keep in touch with your emotions. Keep committing to abundant, intimate, joyous, and physically satisfying sex and romance. There’s a world of pleasure waiting for you. Final Summary Life – and sex – beyond the boundaries of monogamy can be thrilling, meaningful, romantic, liberating, empowering, and committed. Embrace a sex-positive mindset, prepare to deal with jealousy productively, and lean into your own pleasure – you’ll soon find the lifestyle that works for you.