# The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C. Wood & Jeffrey Brantley - Blinkist

What’s in it for me? Learn to manage overwhelming emotions.

While there’s no substitute for therapy, The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Handbook comes pretty close.

It can be used as a companion to therapy, or as a personal guide to help you manage your emotions.

In this Blink, you’ll get an overview of the four emotional competencies: distress tolerance, mindfulness, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness.

All of these areas work together to help you hone your emotional management skills – leading to success in your personal and professional goals, and strengthening your relationships.

For each competency, you’ll learn actionable exercises that you can implement and practice immediately.

As the saying goes, The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.

The great thing about these exercises is that each little step has the power to create big results.

So let’s get started.

Step one: Distress tolerance

It’s a fact of life: bad things happen.

But while you can’t always change your circumstances, you can change how you respond to them.

When bad things happen, people with good emotion management skills know how to cope.

They can breathe through the pain, or sit with their feelings.

They can heal and repair.

On the other hand, there are also those of us who struggle to manage the overwhelm of an emotional onslaught.

We might turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms: rage, drugs, self-harm.

But not only does this hurt us – it also negatively impacts our relationships.

Take the case of Bryan and his wife, Kelly.

Bryan had a habit of losing control during arguments with Kelly.

He would say hateful things to her, and then drink away his feelings of anger and guilt at a bar.

Needless to say, the relationship was suffering because of his behavior.

But Bryan decided to put in the work, and learned some basic skills that helped him get through the arguments without causing harm – two of which are distraction and self-soothing.

Distraction is a way to create space between you and the thing causing your distress without avoiding it altogether, which can result in more resentment and built-up tension.

Once you’ve calmed down through your distraction, you can then go back and resolve whatever’s occurring.

Let’s say Bryan is starting to get into an argument with Kelly.

But instead of saying hurtful things, he says, “I’m going to go wash some dishes.

” This is a productive distraction.

It gets a chore done, and gives Bryan some time and space to calm down before talking to Kelly again.

Other distractions include holding an ice cube, going for a run or doing some yoga, practicing a hobby, writing in your journal, and – last but not least – going somewhere private and having a good old cry.

Self-soothing is another important distress management skill.

This technique helps you comfort yourself so you can relax.

Self-soothing is a sensual thing, meant to ground you with a comforting visual, smell, or feeling.

For instance, you could light your favorite scented candle, look through a family photo book, listen to music, suck on a lollipop, or take a warm bath.

These distress tolerance skills won’t make your stressful circumstances go away.

But they will help you manage your emotions through this difficult time so that you don’t hurt yourself, or your relationships, in the heat of the moment.

Step two: Mindfulness

Lee believed that people at work didn’t like him.

In fact, he was so certain of this that he ended up creating a self-fulfilling truth.

When a nice, attractive colleague asked Lee to sit with her at lunch, he accepted.

But during the conversation, he spent the whole time convincing himself that she couldn’t possibly be interested in him.

Because he was engaged in negative self-talk, he failed to pick up on her cues and questions.

Eventually, with little input from Lee, the conversation dwindled – and his colleague never asked him to sit with her again.

This ended up confirming Lee’s belief that she, like everyone else, disliked him.

Lee’s problem was with the second core competency: mindfulness.

Mindfulness involves being aware of your feelings and surroundings at any given moment, without judgment.

There are three components at play here – awareness, time, and nonjudgment – and you need to incorporate all three to really practice being mindful.

Awareness means noticing your feelings in relation to what’s happening around you.

It’s important that your focus is on the now, not the past or future – which is the second component.

You’re aware of the present with the understanding that as soon as you recognize this moment, you’ve already left it and moved to the next.

In this way, you can transfer your awareness from moment to moment.

The third component may be the most important.

As you become aware of and define your feelings, you can practice something called radical acceptance.

This simply means seeing something for what it is without applying judgment.

Instead of thinking, “I got my feelings hurt – I’m such a big baby,” you stop at, “My feelings are hurt.

” It can be tough to speak your feelings, even in your own mind, without judgment.

But it’s also a courageous thing to do because it requires honesty and vulnerability.

And luckily, there are ways to get better at it.

Studies show that mindfulness practices can improve not just your mental health, but your physical health as well.

So here’s a straightforward exercise to get you started – it involves describing an emotion.

First, turn your attention to what you’re feeling right now.

Name your emotion, and write it down on paper.

Next, draw a picture of your emotion.

Think of a sound related to your emotion, and describe an action connected to it – for instance, if you’re feeling happy, it might be to laugh.

If you’re feeling depressed, it might be taking a nap.

Once all of this is written down, focus on the intensity.

Is this a big emotion, a small emotion, or something in between?

Next, describe the emotion in terms of quality.

Feel free to get as flowery and abstract as you want: Does your emotion make your knees weak?

Does it make you want to run through a field of daisies and sing loudly for the world to hear?

Finally, describe what your emotion is making you think.

Become aware of any judgment or interpretations occurring – and let it all go.

Step three: Emotion regulation

Have you ever been invited to do something you wanted to do, but that also made you nervous?

Shauna was asked to give a presentation at work.

She knew this was a great opportunity – and in theory, she wanted to do it.

But she was extremely anxious about it.

Her anxiety was the primary emotion that triggered a whole slew of secondary emotions.

It sent her into a depression, which led to her feeling guilty about feeling depressed.

Then she got angry and judged herself for feeling guilty.

It can be difficult to untangle emotions once they’ve gotten out of hand.

But the thing is, they can get very complicated very quickly – and when this happens, it can lead us down a dangerous path.

There’s a direct connection between emotions and harmful behaviors, particularly for people who suffer from overwhelming emotions and don’t yet know how to effectively regulate them.

These behaviors act as a distraction (but not the productive kind) from the intensity of the emotion.

On the other hand, emotions are also an important survival trait.

They can alert us to danger, tell us when we’re in good company, make us feel happy and motivated, or slow us down when it’s time to rest.

In short, when they’re properly regulated, your emotions can help you make better decisions in life.

So pause for a moment, and take stock of any self-harm behaviors or habits you have.

Write them down.

Don’t judge them; just be aware of them.

Try to identify how they’re triggered.

Now, here’s a visualization exercise that can help you regulate your emotions, and prevent those harmful behaviors.

Find a quiet spot, and get comfortable.

Think about a peaceful place where you’d like to set your thoughts and emotions free.

It could be a beach, a mountain, a creek, a treehouse, a moonlit alleyway – it’s up to you.

Take a moment to situate yourself there, breathe, and relax.

Let your feelings and thoughts float up out of the ground and into the air.

Look at each one.

See that feeling of guilt about not returning your grandma’s phone call.

Name it, but don’t judge it.

Instead, let it float away.

See that thought you keep having about not being worthy of love.

Again, don’t judge the thought.

Just recognize it.

Acknowledge it.

And let it drift away.

Do this over and over until nothing else rises to the surface.

Step four: Interpersonal effectiveness

Human beings are social creatures, and our relationships are crucial to our well-being – and status – in life.

But being able to build good relationships isn’t a given.

People who struggle with interpersonal effectiveness tend to fall in one of two categories: passive or aggressive.

The passive person often goes along with whatever others want in order to avoid conflict.

Passive people seem nice, easygoing, and pleasant – so why is it a problem?

Well, just like you can’t judge a book by its cover, you can’t ever really know what’s going on beneath a happy exterior.

Maybe the passive person is actually suffering under the weight of tremendous pressure, or maybe they’re stuck in superficial relationships because they don’t know how to actively engage.

The aggressive person is the opposite, pushing and bullying to get what they want.

There’s no subtlety or hidden danger here – it’s all out in the open.

The emotionally healthy person is neither passive nor aggressive.

Instead, they’re assertive – which means they know how to ask for something, how to say no, and how to negotiate conflict without damaging the relationship.

Mindfulness plays a key role in the success of this third category.

While maintaining their boundaries and asking for what they want or need, they’re also able to pay attention to the dynamics and emotions of a conversation.

In other words, they’re able to activate compassion in their assertiveness.

So which type of person are you?

Here’s a simple exercise to help you identify your interpersonal behavior style, so grab your pen and paper.

First think about how you get what you want.

Then determine how often you experience conflict in your relationships.

Finally, consider the intensity of the conflicts.

Look at your notes – what do they tell you?

Are you more passive?

Or aggressive?

Next, you’re going to make a list of “shoulds.

” These are essentially your principles, or the governing rules of how you approach relationships.

These might include things like, “You should always avoid arguments when possible,” or “When another person is upset, you should give them what they want so they feel better.

” Maybe you also think “You should keep your feelings to yourself so you don’t upset people,” “It’s rude to say no,” or “You should always be considerate of others.

”  Once you’ve written down your should statements, don’t label them as good or bad – just notice how long your list is.

The longer it is, the more likely you are to put others’ needs ahead of your own.

This can lead to feelings of helplessness, despair, and resentment in your relationships.

Values are important.

But so is your own experience in life.

To help you know and be able to verbalize what you want, here’s one final exercise.

But before jumping in, know that you, as a human being, have the right to have needs.

You have the right to ask for what you want, to put yourself first, to say no, and to not have to explain yourself to anyone!

Now, think of a relationship you’re struggling with.

Write down what you want, and be as specific as possible.

As an example, you could write, “I want my mother-in-law to stop criticizing my parenting – especially in front of others.

Instead, I’d prefer my mother-in-law to ask me questions about my work, hobbies, or other interests.

” The point of this exercise isn’t to give you an action plan to get what you want.

Instead, it’s to help you acknowledge that you want it, and to support you in addressing any feelings of guilt or shame you might have – thoughts like, “Who am I to ask for this?

I don’t deserve it.

” Remember your emotion regulation skills here.

Notice those thoughts and feelings, and let them drift away without judgment.

Final Summary

Managing emotions can be one of life’s biggest challenges, especially if you didn’t have much guidance growing up.

These emotions can leave you feeling overwhelmed – and not knowing how to manage them can lead to self-destructive behaviors.

The good news is, Dialectical Behavior Therapy outlines four core competencies of emotional management: distress tolerance, mindfulness, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness.

By learning and practicing these competencies through targeted exercises, you can grow your emotional management skills.

Remember, to feel better and grow emotionally in the long term, it’s important to remove judgment and adopt a mindset of radical acceptance.

In doing so, you’ll change your relationship to your emotions: they’ll stop ruling you and instead provide guidance for thoughtful decision-making.