What’s in it for me? Learn how to survive (and thrive) in the narcissism epidemic.
Doubt, shame, worthlessness.
For those with a pathological narcissist in their life, these feelings can permeate every facet of reality.
It doesn’t matter whether the narcissist is your partner, a parent, a friend, or a colleague– if you’re in their circle, you will be affected.
You just might not realize it until long after the fact.
Narcissism has always touched a percentage of the population, but in today’s hyper-connected yet superficial world, it’s become an epidemic.
This means that the chances of you having a pathological narcissist in your life are far greater than ever before.
Romantic relationships are complicated enough, but romantic relationships with narcissists are even more so.
It’s this specific dynamic we’ll focus on in this Blink, and as we’ll see, the answer isn’t always as simple as recognizing the hurt that’s being caused and making a clean break.
Life is infinitely more nuanced than that.
In the following sections, we’ll address this nuance by first exploring what narcissism is, how it’s become so rampant, and the red flags and seductive strategies to look out for.
We’ll then offer a concrete roadmap for both of your options: choosing to stay or choosing to go.
Critical to distinguish here is the difference between a relationship with a pathological narcissist, and a relationship characterized by domestic violence.
Although the two dynamics share similar patterns, physically abusive relationships require very specific assistance.
If this is you, please seek professional support immediately.
But for those dealing with pathological narcissism, this Blink will provide you with all the tools you need to survive – and even thrive – whatever you decide.
Ultimately, choosing to commit to self-empowerment will be the most important choice of all.
The bus that never arrives
If you take only three words from this entire Blink, let them be this: narcissists don’t change.
These three words, however, can change your life.
A review of the current literature on pathological narcissism reveals that there is little evidence of significant, sustainable treatment for this personality disorder.
Improvement has been demonstrated in a handful of case studies, but on the whole, narcissism is a nut psychologists have yet to crack.
Now, this might not be the news you wanted to hear.
But, like a bitter pill, it’s a truth that nonetheless needs to be swallowed for your health and well-being in the long run.
When you understand that narcissism is a disorder that is resistant to current methods of treatment, you recognize that continuing to throw good money after bad (in the form of time, love, and energy, for instance) is a futile strategy.
You see that committing your life to deciphering the narcissist code is a ridiculous thing to ask of yourself.
Remember, modern science doesn’t even have an answer yet.
It’s admirable to want to see the good and potential in others.
It’s commendable to question how you can contribute to better outcomes in your closest relationship.
But with narcissists, the reality is there’s only so much you can do.
With narcissists, the odds are stacked against you from the start.
So instead of waiting for a bus that will never arrive, start walking.
Whatever direction you choose, you’ll reclaim your health and well-being with every step.
Sign o’ the times
Let’s set the scene: in 2015, cosmetic surgery was a $12-billion industry, weight loss a $20-billion enterprise, and cosmetics a $62-billion racket.
In today’s world of curated selfies, ever-present devices, and ubiquitous reality TV, the superficial is incentivized and applauded.
If we consider that pathological narcissism is, to quote a definition, a “pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy,” it’s not hard to see why narcissism has become a modern epidemic.
It’s worth noting that we all display narcissistic behaviors from time to time.
Maybe we get a little inflated about our new job, experience the warm fuzzies when our latest post cracks 100 likes, or forget to treat others by the Golden Rule when we’re stressed and under pressure.
It’s also worth highlighting that “healthy narcissism” exists, too – whether that be pursuing meaningful ambitions, communicating our needs, or setting firm boundaries.
Two things separate occasional or healthy narcissism from pathological narcissism.
The first: occasional narcissism is an exception, not the rule.
Second: healthy narcissism takes into account the impact a behavior or action could have on others.
The behavior or action may still be taken, but the decision to do so will be properly informed.
As with narcissists themselves, there’s little any one person can do to turn society’s tide.
But an awareness of the wider context can make your predicament less personal and less alienating.
Fortunately, it’s not just you.
Unfortunately, it’s a sign o’ the times.
The red flags
“But how do I know if I'm in a relationship with a pathological narcissist, not just a fellow fallible human?
” It’s the million-dollar question, and a common one at this stage.
Here, Dr.
Ramani offers a checklist of thirty traits found in this personality disorder.
While this isn’t a medical diagnosis of pathological narcissism, if you recognize fifteen or more in your partner, the likelihood of an official diagnosis is high.
Of the thirty qualities listed, three of the red flags stand above the rest: grandiosity, validation-seeking, and lack of empathy.
Grandiosity is a pattern of exaggerating accomplishments, connections, and talents.
In an intimate relationship, you may also experience this as being held to an unrealistic vision of fairy-tale romance.
Validation-seeking is the need to be approved of and admired by the outside world.
Today, this is an easy one to spot: narcissists are commonly addicted to social media.
Lack of empathy is the inability of a person to understand and share your feelings.
Not being heard or supported are the hallmarks of this experience.
As mentioned in the last section, we’re all guilty of engaging in these actions and behaviors on occasion.
What Dr.
Ramani’s checklist helps to clarify is whether there is what is termed a patterned constellation of these traits.
If there is, you know you’re dealing with a pathological narcissist.
A cluster of red flags on the shores of your relationship doesn’t mandate getting out.
In fact, you might decide that the best course of action at this moment in time is to keep swimming.
Just proceed with caution.
These are turbulent waters you’re in.
“How did I get here?
” “What was I thinking?
” “Why did I choose so badly?
Getting sucked in
” By now, you may have discovered you are, in fact, in a relationship with a pathological narcissist.
While this knowledge can be empowering, it can also give rise to self-judgment and deep shame.
It’s important to acknowledge that while narcissists possess many negative traits, they possess many seductive ones, too.
After all, if narcissists were simply the devil in the flesh, nobody would come within arm’s reach.
Frequently, pathological narcissists are charismatic, charming, and confident.
They’re often attractive, passionate, and visionary.
These qualities are compelling and exciting – at least, on the surface and in the beginning.
Narcissists exploit the admirable human desire to see the best in others.
And with such an alluring façade, it’s no wonder they’re so successful at attracting people.
As the gleam starts to fade, narcissists then play on another commendable human tendency: our loyalty to hope.
You can think of pathological narcissists as the slot machines of relationships.
The possibility of an outsized payoff entices you to keep pouring in your time, love, and energy – despite knowing that the house always wins.
Narcissists are smart enough to reward you with small, occasional wins to keep you in the game, but they never deliver the jackpot you hope they will.
Understanding how you became – and remain – tangled in the narcissist’s web allows you to drop the self-judgment and shame.
As we’ll see in the next section, you’re likely carrying enough emotional baggage as it is.
Let’s not add to the pile.
The frog in boiling water
While we can list a pathological narcissist’s red flag traits and go-to strategies until the cows come home, what ultimately matters is your felt experience.
How does your partner make you feel?
Self-doubt, shame, and a lack of self-worth are some of the most prominent patterns Dr.
Ramani has observed in her clients.
As referred to in the previous section, this underlying reality tends to reveal itself little by little.
Nobody would sign up to date someone who promised outright they’d make you feel unsettled and exhausted.
So use your emotions as a barometer.
Take incremental shifts as warning signs.
Self-doubt, for instance, is frequently infectious.
Although it may have taken root in your romantic relationship, watch for it popping up in your relationships with others and your work life, too.
Similarly, shame has a corrosive quality.
And as we’ve explored, in a relationship with a narcissist, shame can attack you from multiple sides.
Be especially alert to social withdrawal.
Connections and interactions outside of those with your partner are your lifelines.
Finally, monitor yourself for a pervasive feeling that you lack self-worth.
Then remember – it’s not you who isn’t enough.
Nothing is enough for a narcissist.
Keep an ear out for excessive or preemptive apologizing.
Nobody likes to feel negative emotions – let alone admit that their partner may be causing them.
But, as we’ve seen several times in this Blink, it’s essential to face the music.
Only then can we decide how the song ends.
Dr.
Deciding to stay
Ramani holds a somewhat controversial stance.
Instead of handing her clients a one-size-fits-all, “just walk away” prescription, she leaves the alternative on the table, too.
For some people, at some moments in time, choosing to stay is actually the best course of action, and failing to acknowledge this nuance can do more harm than good.
Compelling reasons to stay include children, finances, religion, culture, and plain fear.
You may also genuinely love your partner and have zero desire to cut ties.
You’re now far better equipped than you were at the start of this Blink: you’ve potentially identified your partner as a narcissist, you’ve understood that pathological narcissism is incurable, and you’ve started to offload some of the emotional baggage you’ve been carrying.
From this place of educated awareness, you’re now able to make the inherently layered and personal decision right for you.
If you decide to stay with a pathological narcissist, expectation management will be the name of the game.
Expectation management is as romantic as doing the laundry, but it’s how you’ll survive – and perhaps even thrive – in this relationship.
A great place to start managing your expectations is in your conversations.
For instance, you may have noticed that your good news is rarely celebrated, if acknowledged at all.
The solution?
Either share it with trusted others first or don’t tell your partner.
Similarly, you may know that bearing bad news will be met with rage or cold indifference.
Again, either don’t bring it up at all, or if it really does affect your partner, do so only after you’ve prepared a solution.
Of course, in an ideal world, you’d want to share the good, the bad, and the ugly with your partner and have your relationship become closer and stronger as a result.
But as you now know, this isn’t possible with a pathological narcissist, and you may still decide to stay.
Your world might not be the mass-marketed “ideal,” but you can make it work.
And that may be ideal enough for you.
Deciding to go
Paulo Coehlo once quipped, “In fairy tales, the princesses kiss the frogs, and the frogs become princes.
In real life, the princesses kiss princes, and the princes turn into frogs.
” Deciding to go will be complicated and painful.
And yet, it may be the only way forward.
At the practical level, your to-do list will include several undesirable tasks.
Don’t avoid them, tempting as that might be.
Remember, this is your future security and well-being at stake.
No one wants to keep a running log of their partner’s incriminatory texts and emails, but having evidence in writing may be worth its weight in gold.
Similarly, you’ll want hard-copy records of accounts you close or separate.
Work with your financial and legal advisors to ensure this is all done cleanly, but at the very least, have personal savings and a private phone plan ready.
Psychologically, be prepared for rage and accusations.
The safe spaces you’ve built with friends, family, and a psychotherapist will be your haven here.
You’ll also benefit from prioritizing self-care.
Sleep, moderate exercise, and healthy foods will give you the capacity to weather the storm.
Finally, be wary of any “change” your partner vows to make once you’ve informed them of your choice.
Sometimes, instead of narcissists transforming into monsters hell-bent on vengeance, they transform back into their charming “honeymoon” selves.
Keep in mind the resounding mantra of this Blink: pathological narcissists don’t change.
Deciding to go will be hard – but living with your narcissist was hard, too.
At least on this path, you can take off your shoes and reconnect to the earth beneath you.
You’re no longer walking on eggshells.
Final Summary
Pathological narcissism is a formidable personality disorder that modern medicine has yet to effectively cure.
As narcissism has reached epidemic levels in today’s world, it’s crucial to know the red flags to watch for, as well as the two paths available to you, should you find yourself in a relationship with one.
Whether you decide to stay or go, the crucial first step is reconnecting to your agency and self-worth.
From here, you can make the informed decision only you can – the one right for you.