# Red Flags, Green Flags by Ali Fenwick - Blinkist

What’s in it for me? A roadmap for navigating relationships from the good, to the bad, and even the ugly.

Ever wonder why life doesn’t come with a user’s manual?

Navigating relationships in a healthy way at home, school, or work—and especially dating and romance — can feel like a complicated game without instructions.

And some of us can get stuck in the same, losing strategies over and over again.

This Blink offers a straightforward rundown on the dynamics of healthy relationships, along with the most common warning signs of toxic ones in the making.

Packed with practical advice, this Blink is designed to help you feel more confident setting boundaries, recognizing warning signs, and knowing when to walk away to preserve your own mental health.

You can’t see red flags wearing rose-colored glasses

Humans are social animals.

From birth we’re soaking up every interaction with those around us, interpreting their behaviors, and using this as a guide to other relationships.

For those who had healthy families, nurturing parents, or solid communities, this guide serves them well.

Others are not so lucky.

But even if you had a great childhood, you can still find yourself in a toxic workplace, relationship, or friend group.

Baffled at the dynamics around you, you might feel stuck with no way out.

These situations can crush your spirit and crumble your mental health, especially if they go on too long.

So everyone can benefit from reflecting on the nature of their relationships and connections and looking for patterns that result in healthy, nurturing environments, and those that don’t.

To do that, you’ve got to know what a healthy relationship looks like.

So let’s use red and green as metaphors for stop and go ahead in any relationship.

If we use the word GREEN as an acronym, it is easy to spell out the positive attributes of a healthy relationship.

Starting with G, someone who is being genuine is waving a green flag to go ahead.

Genuine people are kind, thoughtful and authentic in their interactions, and you can feel it.

Genuine people show vulnerability, and make it safe for you to do the same.

Next is R.

When others are respectful they are also showing healthy signs.

At work, this might mean respecting your time by not messaging after hours or scheduling you on weekends.

In families or intimate partnerships, respect means valuing your autonomy and agency.

It also means speaking and behaving with kindness even in times of conflict or stress, and never resorting to violence or abuse.

The first E goes for Empathy, the third and perhaps the most crucial sign.

Empathy is a complex phenomenon which involves acknowledging the other’s emotions and imagining a situation from their point of view.

This cognitive ability is vital for understanding others, and without it, healthy relationships are impossible.

Positive relationships also elevate you.

And that’s the second E.

In a healthy group or partnership, everyone feels empowered and truly seen.

If you have someone in your life who consistently makes you feel lighter, more positive, or more capable after confiding in them — that’s a huge green flag to keep engaging.

Investing yourself in these relationships can have a synergistic effect, too, multiplying the positivity through all facets of your life.

Finally, N is for nurturing.

Healthy relationships offer this and require from you the effort to nurture them in return.

When those around you are being genuine, respectful, show empathy, and elevate you, nurturing the relationship magnifies the good, and makes it easier to recognize the bad when it comes along.

Respond to warning signs: reflect, engage, and then decide

Early on in any new romance, professional role, or friendship, you may have encounters that leave you feeling unsettled.

Maybe someone is telling you they love you after just a few dates, and it feels strange.

Or your boss keeps pressuring you to respond quickly on evenings and weekends despite your stress burnout.

Warning signs of toxic behavior can come on fast, or roll out slowly — but knowing how to deal with them can have an outsized impact on your wellbeing.

Like GREEN as an acronym for healthy behaviors, let’s use RED as an acronym for the three-stage response you should adopt when trouble arises.

Think of it as your personal stop sign to take some time before reacting.

First, reflect.

If you’re having a strong reaction to something, it can be difficult at the moment to understand why.

So to keep things healthy, you’ll need to take a time out and reflect on your own response.

It could be that your reaction is related to something unresolved from your past.

Having old traumas triggered can feel overwhelming.

But sometimes the negative reaction you feel during an interaction with your partner, friend, coworker, or boss is actually a warning sign that something is actually wrong.

This, too, takes time to analyze and understand.

So giving yourself permission to stop a conversation and reflect before responding is valid.

Once you’ve had a chance to reflect, and understand why you felt so negative, it is important to move on to the next step and engage it.

If your emotional response is really your own unresolved trauma, for instance, be sure to acknowledge that.

Now you can start a conversation about how to support each other in a healthy way.

You can observe whether or not they treat this feedback with genuine respect and empathy before deciding what you’ll do next.

Finally, if disrespectful, inauthentic, unempathetic, or non-nurturing behaviors continue, you must ultimately decide on a course of action.

This means giving yourself permission to walk away from any relationship, workplace, or friendship that doesn’t serve your well-being.

While it sounds simple enough, walking away from family, partners, friends, and jobs is anything but.

It is often a difficult and painful process.

Deciding does not always mean ending a relationship after the first warning signs.

But, if it doesn’t change despite your efforts in communicating and setting boundaries, you owe it to yourself to make the effort for preserving your well-being too.

Should I stay or should I go?

Once you’ve begun to reflect and engage with tensions in your relationships, you may find some dynamics heal quickly while others become more toxic.

If you’ve engaged with coworkers about boundaries, but they keep crossing them, or if you’ve brought up a toxic dynamic in your family and the pattern continues — it is time to make a choice.

Ultimately, everyone must decide what is and isn’t a deal breaker for them.

To do this, it can help to ask yourself some clarifying questions.

If you have a friend who keeps interrupting and talking over you when you’re in a group, only you can decide if it is worth engaging.

Start by asking yourself how much you enjoy spending time with them, for instance.

It could be that they make you laugh a lot, or bring a lively spirit to events and activities, so their talking over you isn’t a huge problem right now.

But if you feel it is important to engage, go ahead.

See if they’re open when you approach them about it.

And, of course, acknowledge their effort to make space for you if they do.

If they’re not open to listening, or respecting your feelings, and bring little else to the table in return, it’s time to walk away.

The same goes for romantic relationships.

No one can decide for you what your deal breakers are.

You’ve got to reflect and deeply engage with these issues to know what’s right for you.

For instance, many find the idea of their partner engaging in a sexual affair to be an absolute deal breaker.

But for others, an emotional affair, or just their partner being mentally checked out of the relationship, would be more devastating.

Only you know what that line is for you.

And it isn’t just in major crises that romantic relationships show warning signs of unhealthy behavior.

If you’ve expressed your feelings or need for change in a behavior, and are met with silence, invalidation or resistance, those are serious reasons to reflect on the consequences of staying.

In fact, a partner who uses common manipulation tactics like gaslighting, deception, trivializing your feelings, scapegoating you for problems, or coercing you to maintain control, can damage your well being greatly.

If you find your reality is being questioned regularly through gaslighting, for instance, write down your experiences, details of conversations, anything to help validate your memory.

Also, find friends or family who can support you.

Staying connected to others and strong in your own values is key to protecting your mental health as you make an exit plan.

Unhealthy at work: blame-games and boundary-stomping

When you consider how many hours in a typical week you spend working, relationships at work dominate a huge percentage of your waking time and attention.

As a result, toxic workplaces can have an outsized impact on your overall mental and physical health.

From your boss, to your coworkers, to your clients, toxic interactions can damage your career and squash your ambition along the way.

So navigating them successfully, or walking away when you must, can make or break you.

Unhealthy signs at a workplace are pretty common.

Hearing things like, everyone here is a family when you’re being asked to work on weekends, or I can’t pay you more, but here’s a promotion with more responsibility, are manipulation tactics to get more from you.

Similarly, being told by your manager we’re all friends here, is equally problematic.

You have friends outside of work, and take a job to earn a living.

Being told you need to be friends erases work-life boundaries, often leading to burnout and often a sign that unwavering loyalty will be required.

Which leads to one of the most damaging signs of an unhealthy workplace: covering for others to avoid negative consequences.

This means that the psychological pressure to enable bad behavior in others has become firmly entrenched in the collective work ethic.

These are all signs that you should reflect on your situation.

Ask yourself what steps you could take today to either engage and make the situation better, or help you decide whether or not to walk away.

Use your journal to reflect on troubling interactions, and document responses.

Repeated promises of a raise or a promotion that never materialize are also huge red flags.

It is a sign that they’re manipulating your ambition against you.

Asking for a timeline on any future rewards, or specific KPIs you’ll need to hit to earn them, can demonstrate whether or not they’ll follow through.

If they don’t, it is time to consider walking away.

Conversely, there are many green flags in healthy workplaces.

They're things like respect for your work-life balance.

Workplaces where the leaders model genuine respect for the skills and interests of their employees, and work together to help actualize them, are ones to invest in.

Ultimately it is up to you to seek out a workplace where you feel accepted, respected, and celebrated as a professional.

Know yourself first, then practice, practice, practice

Reflecting on tricky situations or difficult interactions, engaging with them effectively, and deciding what to do about them, takes some time.

No one can master relationship dynamics perfectly all the time.

So, no matter where you are now, there’s always room for improvement.

To get to know yourself, asking open questions when you reflect can give you deeper insight into your values, hopes, and dreams.

Imagine yourself at the ripe old age of 99 looking back on your life now.

What advice do you think you’d give your younger self?

Ask yourself about your personal deal breakers in any relationship or friendship, too.

Also having these conversations regularly with a partner, family member, or friends can deepen your connections.

Asking your partner about red flags can be helpful in avoiding them.

Asking about green flags can help you understand how to better support one another.

Regularly having conversations about values, hopes, dreams, beliefs, or other personal details with your partner, friends, coworkers or family can clarify a lot for yourself and others.

Even in a relationship that you’ve had for years can yield surprising insights when you engage with deep questions and give honest answers.

As you continue to practice reflection, engagement, and good decision making, you may still end up in relationships that have red flags.

Then, it is important to find the courage to ask yourself even deeper questions.

Like, do I find this bad behavior sexy or exciting in a romantic partner?

Or, do I see similar red flags in me?

You might find some negative behavior patterns feel familiar, and so you let them go on.

Understanding why you find yourself in such patterns, in the long term, is the only way to ultimately change them.

And having regular conversations about values, boundaries, mental health, and feelings can be incredibly validating if the conversation is open and affirming, instead of angry and accusatory.

Regular discussion at home or work about shared values, including honoring individuality and authenticity, can help everyone stay on the same page about expectations.

Discussing red and green flags in your friendships can also be a great way to clarify which ones to nurture, and which ones to let go.

Knowing your intimate circle can handle conflict in a healthy way, avoid gossip by speaking openly and with authenticity, elevates everyone.

Final summary

The main takeaway of this Blink to Red Flags, Green Flags by Ali Fenwick is that…  Relationships don’t come with a user’s manual, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get better at them.

Valuing relationships that are genuine, respectful, empathetic, elevating and nurturing can transform your life.

When troubles arise, though, taking time to reflect on them, engage in conversations about them, and decide what you’ll do about them is healthy and appropriate.

No one gets it right all the time, so practice clarifying your values through reflective conversation, and use that insight for healthier relationships in every sphere of your life.

Okay, that’s it for this Blink.

We hope you enjoyed it.

See you in the next Blink!