# Professional Troublemaker by Luvvie Ajayi Jones - Blinkist

What’s in it for me? Overthrow the tyranny of your fears.

We all feel fear at times. This fear stops us from fighting for ourselves. It may even force us to hide our true opinions. And since we never know when to expect it, what matters most is how we relate to it.

For too many of us, fear is a dead end. We freeze up and quickly do what’s necessary to maintain the status quo – but all that stops now!

Professional troublemakers embrace confrontation as an aspect of kindness. Instead of hiding, they rely on the strength of their own identity. And instead of shrinking to please others, they’re grounded in their true selves.

These blinks invite you to imagine your own life if lived in spite of fear.

In these blinks, you’ll learn



what Game of Thrones and a West African custom have in common;

why kindness beats niceness hands-down; and

when “too much” can actually be just right.

Knowing the real you makes it easier to be the real you.

We all live with a certain amount of fear. Not just about the future of the world, looming deadlines, and diminishing finances – but we also stress about ourselves.

We worry we’re not good enough, or that we’re somehow defective. As a result, we hold back and hide our true selves. This fear of exposure is understandable, though. Society can be extremely harsh. In such an unforgiving world, being ourselves can feel pretty risky.

But that’s only one perspective. What if this concealed self we’ve been minimizing was an asset? What if getting in touch with our real selves actually protected us?

The key message here is: Knowing the real you makes it easier to be the real you.

Although we may fear showing the world our true selves, that authentic identity can be a profoundly grounding and stabilizing force.

You see, one of the main reasons people are afraid to disrupt the status quo is because we fear instability – we worry that taking risks will eventually knock us off our proverbial perches for good.

In reality, a strong sense of self would actually make you feel stronger and more resilient against risk.

Instead of feeling like you’re standing precariously on the edge of a cliff, you’d feel grounded in an everlasting and secure foundation – something that can never be toppled. You’re grounded in yourself.

Now, this doesn't give you carte blanche to be stubborn or dogmatic. It also doesn't mean you can't change, learn or grow. It just means that you need to develop a strong sense of identity and assert your right to exist as you are. 

To help, let’s take inspiration from the Yorùbá people of West Africa and their tradition of oríkì. An oríkì is a poem of personal praise. Everyone’s oríkì is unique and highlights their identity within the community. Think of it like the introductions given in Game of Thrones: “Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen. First of Her Name. The Unburnt. Queen of the Andals and the First Men. Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea. Breaker of Chains. Mother of Dragons.”

Try writing your own “personal hype” mantra. Abandon all humility and take the credit you deserve. Make it sound as badass as possible. Something like, “Alex Louise of the House Carter. First of Her Name. Dame of Detroit. Purveyor of Plants. Mother of Masterminds.”

And remember to keep your oríkì somewhere safe and easy to reference. It’ll affirm your sense of identity at times when you need it most.

When it comes to your personality, “too much” is just right.

So, you’ve developed a strong sense of your unique identity. You’ve even written your Game of Thrones–style oríkì to ground yourself. But you’re still feeling reserved – like you can’t be yourself, right? In fact, you still feel odd. Like, what if you’re just “too much”?

It’s a common enough complaint. People tell you you’re too something – too loud, too bossy, too sensitive. It’s an accusation of excess that isn’t just observational. People are actually asking you to change. And unfortunately, you probably do despite any negative impact on yourself. 

The problem is that you're being asked to dial down a quality that’s likely a core part of who you are. So, that change may increase the chances of a certain person liking you, but it amounts to self-betrayal.

The key message here is: When it comes to your personality, “too much” is just right.

So why do you go against your true nature to tone down your “too much”? In a few words, to satisfy others.

Now, that’s a pretty paltry reason to change what makes you you. You shouldn’t allow other people to dictate your character, should you? In fact, your job isn't to shape-shift or acrobatically contort yourself to suit others. Would you ever disfigure your foot to fit inside an undersized shoe? Of course not; you’d just try on another pair.

When it comes to your personality, the same reasoning applies: You're not too big – they're simply too small, and not flexible enough, for you.

At the end of the day, every “too-muchness” is a superpower in the right circumstance. You're too sensitive? Well then, you have a high emotional intelligence. Are you too loud? Great! You’re probably a hoot at parties.

Look at it this way. People often say Beyoncé is too much – just picture her glittering outfits and gregarious personality. But that excess is precisely her stock in trade. The fact that she's too much is what makes her Beyoncé.

 

That said, there are some situations when the “too much” accusations are legitimate. So, how do you know when to worry? Ask yourself three questions: Is this characteristic stifling my personal growth? Is it genuinely harming others? And, if I’m being criticized, does that person really want the best for me?

If you answer yes to any of those questions, then it’s time for some self-reflection. If you’ve got three straight negatives, keep being you.

Be honest – even when you feel uneasy.

Here’s a fact for you: According to a University of Massachusetts study, the average person lies at least once in a single ten-minute conversation.

Why? Well, it’s not because we’re all compulsive liars. It’s because dishonesty often leads to harmony. We simply don’t want to rock the boat, and we don’t want to get into trouble.

There’s a reason for that. Let’s face it, being honest has consequences. In the best-case scenarios, those consequences are broadly positive. But sometimes honesty has very high costs.

OK, the world isn’t always pretty, so what do we do now? More often than not, we paper over ugly truths – or simply stay silent when we have the chance to correct a lie.

The key message here is: Be honest – even when you feel uneasy.

The call to be honest doesn’t equally fall on everyone. Marginalized people, for example, may receive greater punishments for telling the truth. Those who are financially insecure could have their livelihoods threatened. The world simply isn’t a level playing field, which is why those of us who can speak up, must speak up.

Even if you know you can weather the fallout of criticizing injustice and calling out bad attitudes, you might still struggle with fear when being completely honest. The thing is, that never really goes away. If you waited for your fear to disappear, you’d never act. That’s why you have to speak up in spite of your worries.

So how do you do that? One way is to ask questions. They’re a great tool for getting people to reconsider their existing attitudes. That’s why therapists love them so much.

If someone tells a racist joke, ask if he can explain it in more detail. Make him articulate his prejudice word by word. If someone else suggests a terrible idea, ask her what challenges she’d expect from her approach.

You don’t have to disagree for the sake of it. The point isn’t to be contrarian or critical. So, once again, three questions can help keep you on the straight and narrow. This time ask yourself: Do I mean this? Can I defend this? And are my intentions here good?

If you can say yes to all three, then fire away – you have every reason to be honest.

Don’t bear the entire workload yourself.

Does losing control scare you? Perhaps you imagine the worst when things are out of your hands. Of course your colleague will mess up that important presentation. There’s no doubt that your spouse will forget to pick up the dry cleaning again. It probably seems that you’d be better off taking care of everything yourself.

But the problem is that the world doesn’t work like that. Nobody can be entirely self-reliant – especially not if they want to sleep, relax, and enjoy life from time to time.

You see, taking on too much responsibility isn’t a sign of strength; it’s a sign of fear. You’re afraid of delegating. You’re afraid of being dependent. You’re afraid of asking for help. And you need to get over it.

The key message here is: Don’t bear the entire workload yourself.

Here’s a piece of advice – fire yourself. You know all the jobs you do because you’re afraid of relinquishing control? They’re no longer your responsibility. You just got fired. It’s someone else’s turn.

If you’re the type who bites off more than you can chew, then there are probably people in your life who can pick up some of the slack. Your kids can clean the dishes, even if they don’t do a perfect job on day one. Or your colleague can make the phone call if you've got bigger fish to fry.

Things might not go perfectly – but they don’t have to. Not everything in the world is your responsibility. As a matter of fact, life may be a group project, but no one designated you team leader.

One of the most difficult things about learning to share your workload is overcoming the guilt that creeps up. Too many people have internalized the notion that they should be able to do it all. That’s plain wrong – if you need to hear it again, then here it is: Nobody can do it all, and nobody needs to. Not even you.

Maybe life gave you the impression that you needed to take responsibility for everything in your world. Maybe your parents weren’t much help growing up. Maybe you learned early that some people can’t be trusted. If that sounds like you, then starting to share responsibility might be tough. But, the first step is to forgive yourself. It’s OK that you can’t do everything.

Aim to be kind, not nice.

If you’re like most people, you probably don't like to ruffle people’s feathers. After all, when you annoy someone, you run the risk of being ostracized – and who likes being left out? So, you probably try to stay on other people’s good sides as long as possible by being nice.

For the most part, trying to be nice could be considered harmless – even beneficial. At least it makes your social interactions flow smoothly. But, in reality, being nice gets in your way. It pulls your focus to what others want and stifles your own voice. You willingly turn a blind eye to poor treatment, like being disrespected or neglected. And rather than potentially upsetting anyone, you let serious problems fester for far too long.

So what’s the solution? Abandon friendliness and become a jerk? Not necessarily.

The key message here is: Aim to be kind, not nice.

What does it mean to be nice versus kind? There’s an important distinction between the two. Being nice is talking about the weather. Being kind is caring whether someone has an umbrella in case it rains.

With kindness, you’re motivated by genuine empathy and compassion for someone, but you never lose sight of yourself. Being nice, on the other hand, means putting others before yourself to keep them happy. Now, this doesn’t mean your heart bleeds for them. It just means you can smile a lot and be sweet on the surface. More than anything, being nice makes you mannerly, but it’s often just polite passivity.

Kindness, on the other hand, isn’t passive. It gets things done. And it doesn’t necessarily do so by being meek or afraid of confrontation. In fact, sometimes a “Girl, who do you think you’re talking to” moment is simply needed.

So, would you rather have a friend describe you as nice or kind? The former suggests you’re a doormat waiting to appease the next person; the latter implies that you care about the next person but won’t take any shit from them.

As long as you aim to be nice, you’ll probably find yourself dissatisfied. You’ll likely have to swallow complaints, witness injustice, and accept much less than you deserve.

But kindness? Rather than passively accepting an unjust society, kindness compels you to act. Rather than smiling at persecutors, kindness prompts you to intervene. The case for kindness seems stronger, doesn’t it?

Everybody needs a gang of friends.

Did you know that the worst punishment in prison is solitary confinement? There’s a reason for that; spending extended periods alone goes against our basic need for human interaction. We’re company-keepers by nature, so isolation hurts.

All the same, many of us actually pride ourselves on being self-proclaimed “lone wolves.” The idea of tackling life’s adventures on our own appeals to our sense of independence – and our vanity.

But as you’ve already seen, you sometimes need to rely on others. That’s true not only when it comes to sharing responsibility, but also when sharing a connection: we all just need good friends.

The key message here is: Everybody needs a gang of friends.

The entrepreneur Jim Rohn popularized the idea that we’re each the sum of the five people closest to us. We can quibble about the number, but there’s a ring of truth to this notion; our friends really do have an important influence on our actions and lifestyle – which, in turn, can determine our overall happiness.

If your friends are slackers, you can end up adapting to their more laid-back speed in life. If they’re go-getters, you may find yourself signing up for a 7:00 a.m. fitness class.

Now, that doesn’t mean that every friend needs to be perfect. Number one, you’re not looking for saints. Number two, friends come in very different packages.

For example, you probably have Day One Friends – the friends who’ve been with you the longest. They’re the ones who can pull out your most embarrassing photos as a pimpled teenager. They’re also the ones who keep you grounded, and who call you out when you get too big for your boots.

At the other end of the friend spectrum are mentors, if you’re lucky enough to have any. Your mentor might be an inspiring teacher or an outstanding leader in your field. Either way, a mentor is different from a Day One Friend, and a Day One Friend might not be the same as a party buddy.

It’s not important to have friends by the dozens. In fact, many people only have one or two close confidants. But what matters is that you have someone to look out for you, encourage you, challenge you, and, most of all, love you.

Final summary

The key message in these blinks:

Your life is better when you take up the space you deserve in the world. It’s never without fear, but grounding yourself in a strong identity with a supportive squad of friends, and a commitment to honesty and kindness, gives you the foundation to let your true self shine.

Actionable advice:

Ask for what you want.

At times, you probably find yourself with unfulfilled desires – those things that you want but can’t get. These moments are inevitable. But you won’t know what you can get by keeping silent. So, if you want something, use your voice, and ask for it. After all, the old saying, “Closed mouths don’t get fed” is a cliché for a reason.

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