What’s in it for me? A memoir about love, relationships, mental health, gender, and Hollywood.
Trans people are fighting not just for acceptance, but for their lives. The rise in hostile news stories and the spread of regressive laws paint a grim picture. So, there's never been a more critical time to dispel myths and misinformation about the lives of queer and trans individuals.
Pageboy does just that. In this Blink, you'll explore the complexity of identity and the challenges that come with negotiating sexual and gender orientation.
A note before we begin: this Blink mentions self-harm, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, and depression. Please take care while listening.
Whether you seek solace, empowerment, or a deeper understanding of alternative lifestyles, Pageboy is a riveting tale of self-acceptance – one that can accompany you, regardless of where your journey takes you.
Early dysphoria and childhood isolation.
Elliot Page was born in Nova Scotia, Canada, on February 21, 1987. Assigned female at birth, he was named Ellen before transitioning. His parents, Martha Philpotts, an educator, and Dennis Page, a graphic designer, divorced before Elliot was two. After splitting his time between parents, Elliot moved in with his father and his new wife at the age of six, settling into a spacious townhouse near the Northwest Arm, Halifax.
However, home didn’t always provide the safety and warmth one would hope for. Elliot’s stepmother, Linda, encouraged her own children to tease and mock him. Was it because Elliot rejected her gourmet cooking? No. It was most likely because he was different from his step-siblings.
From a young age, Elliot felt uncomfortable with the label “girl”. His preference for “boy’s” toys, clothes, and male friends made his mother uneasy. Reflecting on his childhood, Page cherishes the moments he spent alone with his mother. Yet, during social occasions, he was expected to put on dresses – to conform. This imposed conformity caused ongoing discomfort and a sense of betrayal. Both parents expected him to outgrow this “phase,” with his mother eagerly awaiting his transformation into a “young lady.” But it wasn’t going to be that simple.
At age 8, Elliot was heartbroken when forced to leave the co-ed football team. The switch from boy to girl occurred without warning, leading to increased dysphoria and relentless discomfort. The profound sense of not belonging weighed heavily on Elliot’s heart. He grew to despise feminine clothing, seeking solace in what he called “private play.” He would spend hours constructing forts, developing intricate stories, and playing with action figures. In solitude, he could be his authentic self.
He found freedom and openness within the realm of his imagination. No topic was off-limits, including romantic scenarios. He composed letters to a fictional lover and signedthen signing them as “Jason”. In public, his short hair and demeanor let him pass for a boy, but puberty and the requirement to grow out his hair for acting roles swiftly reversed the effect. Elliot also had a close friend named Anna, with whom he shared precious moments. They walked, played video games, and watched movies together.
Elliot yearned to share his feelings, but it wasn’t to meant to be. Even a casual touch was too much for his crush to bear. An unsettled home life and a burgeoning queer identity led to confusion and constant introspection. Despite these challenges, there was one thing Elliot was certain of: his desire to act.
Breakout success.
Elliot Page first stepped in front of the camera at the tender age of ten, starring as Maggie MacLean in the 1997 CBC Television movie, Pit Pony. Dressing up in costumes triggered painful memories of getting ready for school – nothing fit correctly, nothing felt right. He found himself staring at an unfamiliar reflection. Off set, he engaged in private email exchanges with a fan in his twenties.
For the young Elliot this was a thrilling connection, an opportunity to share secrets. However, the fan’s conversation gradually shifted to adult themes, including sharing explicit images and fantasiesfantasties of them together. Alarmed, Elliot knew he should stop messaging. But this wasn’t a movie where he could call “cut”. Until now, he’d kept his feelings hidden. Yet, each new email was not only a thrill but also an opportunity to connect. Elliot found it difficult to disconnect.
As the stalker hounded Page, promises to visit Toronto took on a sinister tone. Elliot finally stopped responding. When his father, Dennis, found out, he was livid. An “ass-kicking” wasn’t the help the young star was seeking. When the harasser later tried to contact Page’s friends in aan bid to find him, a restraining order was issued. However, the ordeal didn’t end there. The stalker was arrested after unexpectedly approaching Elliot on the street. The offender got help, and the ordeal was resolved out of court.
In 1999, Pit Pony transitioned into a television series. Living with chaperones, things started to feel different for Elliot. He had the freedom to explore and meet new people. But by age sixteen, he was mentally exhausted – he had already suffered his first panic attack. In a desperate effort to regain control, Page tried self-harm. When that failed, he turned to alcohol. Still no relief. In his grief, he took the risky step of not eating – anything to regain control. Elliot’s weight loss became an outward manifestation of his inner turmoil. Therapy helped restore some stability.
During this turbulent time, Elliot received the call that would change his life forever – the lead role in the 2007 film Juno. This opportunity felt different – it promised a realm beyond binary definitions. To sweeten the deal, he met Olivia Thirlby, a co-star with whom he developed a passionate affair. They spent time together, forging a bond deeper than anything he had experienced. Sex was without shame. However, he still kept his queerness hidden – especially from his mother. Once filming wrapped up, Elliot returned to Halifax. But not for long – Juno was a runaway hit.
Hollywood's expectations and hypocrisy.
Success in Hollywood often comes at a price. Was Elliot willing to keep paying? Amid constant media speculation about his sexuality, he felt trapped, yearning for clarity and peace. Torment was everywhere, from verbal abuse on the streets of West Hollywood – unfortunately, a common experience for the LGBTQ+ community – to his ongoing struggle with his self-image.
Catching glimpses of himself in store windows, he felt discomfort with the personpersone reflected back at him. His long white tee and beanie hat were constantly adjusted, although this was more a tic than a choice. And it did little to ease his body discomfort.
Beyond the usual career hurdles, Elliot confronted a harsh reality: Hollywood praises heterosexual artists who play gay and transgender characters, but frowns upon those choosing to live their truth. During movie premieres, he was frequently forced to present as a woman, donning designer gowns and heels. What may have seemed a privilege to outsiders was merely added pressure to conform.
Elliot found solace in Paula, his first real girlfriend, who provided unwavering support. Along with their dog, Patti, they took refuge from Hollywood’s hypocrisy. But as a mainstream movie star, Elliot couldn’t escape the continued gossip and scrutiny, nor his recurrent bouts of depression.
Amid the darkness, there were flashes of light: Working with empathic artists on Drew Barrymore’s 2009 film Whip It provided a sense of community – one that valued authenticity. He found fun and friendship with co-stars Kristen Wiig and Alia Shawkat, as they navigated the world of Roller Derby. However, intensified paparazzi attention stoked his anxiety. Coming out was still unthinkable, confronting his genders issue, impossible.
After filming wrapped, Elliot knew it was time for a break. Exploring options, he discovered Lost Valley, a learning center for sustainable skills. Joining their community anchored him, and through their acceptance, he found hope and strength. Could this be the start of a new chapter in his life?
In search of fresh experiences, Elliot and his group member, Ian, took a break to visit Portland. Elliot had dated plenty of boys before – walks, lunches, kissing at parties, even meeting in school restrooms. In the past, he’d persisted despite his true feelings, perhaps hoping with enough practice, hetero norms might stick. At 22, he knew better. Queerness, by definition, is non-linear, often intangible, and always in flux. Ian was the friend he needed at that time.
As he departed Lost Valley, Elliot cherished his newfound personal freedom, even if it meant the end of his relationship with Paula. However, he had to return to Los Angeles, certain that prevailing attitudes and ‘rules’ hadn’t changed.
Breaking the silence.
Elliot first attempted to discuss his sexuality with his mom when he was just 15. Instead of receiving support and understanding, he was met with denial. How is one expected to cope when a loved one rejects your truth? Elliot spent his teenage years yearning for understanding, seeking comfort in secret connections. However, these encounters left him feeling isolated, full of shame, and unfulfilled.
As he reached his twenties, the pressure to find happiness in relationships that contradicted his desires became unbearable. For years, he’d traded his authenticity for professional success. Finally, the day arrived when hiding was no longer an option.
Elliot Page publicly came out as gay in February 2014, just two weeks before the Human Rights Campaign Convention. He delivered his coming out speech with trepidation, but the sense of relief he experienced afterward was palpable. Page had carried this burden for years, held in place by his relentless production schedule. Now, he was free. Would the industry stand with him?
As an open supporter of LGBTQ+ rights, he faced hostility and aggression, with some of his showbiz colleagues dismissing his activism. Even social occasions offered little refuge. At a friend's birthday party, Elliot had a run-in with a famous actor, who was very drunk and made derogatory comments about his sexuality.
Despite Elliot's efforts to remove himself from the situation, the harassment continued, leaving him feeling isolated and vulnerable. A few days later, the offending actor approached Page, claiming to have no recollection of the incident and offering an apology. Their paths have rarely crossed since.
Despite setbacks, coming out had given Elliot newfound confidence. However, one memorable night with a woman named “Ryan” turned into an enlightening encounter with drug use. Unfazed, Elliot became more outgoing. His first 'out' date offered a glimpse of the fulfilling life he yearned for. Then, along came Kate.
Kate Mara was already dating Max Minghella. Both being confident, successful actors, Max was unfazed by Kate exploring her feelings for Page. As time passed, however, complications arose, and the situation became increasingly difficult. Scheduling conflicts and long-distance relationships are constant challenges for anyone in show business.
Instead of suppressing their feelings and allowing them to fester, Elliot and Kate chose a different path. They acknowledged their mutual affection and decided to give each other space, allowing for personal growth and healing. Coming out as gay was a transformative experience for Elliot, a declaration of truth, a reclaiming of identity. Yet, even while surrounded by a community of queer women, Elliot still experienced a profound sense of displacement and dysphoria. He could no longer ignore his overwhelming need to fully love himself.
Making the change.
Six-year-old Elliot asked his mom if he could be a boy. "No," he was told, followed by assurances that he could do anything a male could. It was a sincere but naive reply. Elliot couldn't wear the clothes he preferred without getting odd looks. He couldn't play with the kids he wanted to without being ridiculed. He couldn't go a day without feeling alone.
But then, during the pandemic, everything changed. He and his petite dog, Mo, took walks around Riverside Park in New York. With his face hidden, joggers and walkers greeted him as "bro" or "bud," and occasionally as "Sir." The reflection of his body silhouette gave him a "rush." He recognized his true self.
In the midst of the pandemic, Page was fortunate enough to retreat to a cabin hidden in the serene beauty of Nova Scotia. Here, he could escape the hustle and bustle and sit with his thoughts. Being alone in the woods was challenging. Initially, this internal struggle led him towards self-destructive behavior. Old feelings and habits die hard. He would hit himself in the face to quell the noise in his head. More shame. More guilt.
Then one morning, a different thought surfaced. He didn't need to suffer anymore. However, this was no sudden realization; it felt more like fatigue. The incessant barrage of traumatic memories had taken its toll. Was this the path to self-acceptance? No, it was a gateway to happiness. And it was time to step through. After all, why not?
The production of The Umbrella Academy had ceased. His marriage had ended. His Gender Dysphoria was at an all-time high. It was time to consult an expert. Page had previously canceled a consultation, so would he repeat the same mistake? Not this time.
With the support of close friends, the tumultuous clamor of doubts and insecurities began to recede. The time for silence and self-reflection was over. On November 17, 2020, Elliot Page scheduled a "life-changing" gender-affirming surgery. Due to COVID, he would have to attend alone. After the process, the pain and discomfort of surgery blended with the excitement of hormone therapy. As he healed, the expected but unwelcome backlash arrived. Couldn't he simply exist? Throughout his challenges and triumphs, Elliot Page learned invaluable lessons, notably the value of compassion and acceptance.
Final summary
While Elliot Page has persevered, he acknowledges his good fortune. After all, he's a wealthy actor who had access to trans healthcare when he needed it. Yet, his decision to both come out and transition resulted from decades of struggle as real as anyone else's.
Now, he emerges as a force amplifying voices that have been silenced for far too long. With a renewed sense of self and a smile, he challenges disinformation and educates about the LGBTQ+ community. Although it wasn't his goal, Elliot's commitment to authenticity serves as an example to us all.