What’s in it for me? Communicate your worth at work.
The lack of women in top leadership roles is often blamed on sexism. But some experts say women may also inadvertently hold themselves back from the C-Suite – the level of high-ranking executives.
Have you ever knocked gently before entering a meeting, raised your hand to speak, stayed back late to work on projects that don’t benefit you, giggled when feeling intimidated, failed to promote achievements or softened your tone to seem feminine?
If so, you may be trying to appear unthreatening and submissive, whether you realize it or not. But these behaviors undermine your authority. Apologizing, explaining excessively, downplaying accomplishments – this gives away your power.
To reclaim your power, you must learn to communicate assertively, and own your talents, worth, and achievements. You’ve earned your seat at the table. Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Present your most confident self at work, no explanation required. That way, you’ll be judged on your performance, not outdated feminine ideals.
This Blink will coach you to communicate more assertively and effectively at work, so you can stop holding yourself back and reach your full potential.
Toot your own horn!
Women are often reluctant to openly tout their own accomplishments and expertise. But promoting yourself is critical to career success. As the saying goes, “It’s not bragging if it’s true.”
Women avoid bragging because it feels impolite or arrogant. If this sounds familiar, you’ve likely been socially conditioned to downplay your achievements, just as many other women have. But obscuring accomplishments prevents others from fully appreciating your talents. If you don’t remind people of your wins, they fade from memory. Even career highlights from years past remain relevant when applying for jobs or promotions.
Judicious bragging is a valuable form of communication – it highlights your capabilities and grabs the attention of decision makers. And while it may seem off-putting, self-promotion is necessary in competitive fields. Are you at work to make friends, or to get ahead?
Similarly, women often hesitate to showcase knowledge because they don’t want to be seen as boastful. But it’s counterproductive to hide expertise. Failing to speak up leads others to underestimate your capabilities.
This reticence to self-promote likely contributes to the gender pay gap. A study found that 69 percent of women prefer to downplay achievements in public. Comparatively, men are much more comfortable with self-promotion.
Here are some tips on bragging effectively:
Keep it positive – cite achievements without putting others down.
Reference client reviews and feedback. If they compliment your work, say so.
Use “I” statements to take full credit for your personal wins.
Quantify accomplishments with data or evidence. For example, you could state, “I increased sales by 35 percent.”
The key is striking a balance – avoid excessive humility, but don't be a braggart. Be proud of your expertise and accomplishments. You’ve put in the work, now own your achievements! Promoting your wins will convey your true talents and worth.
Forget nice
From childhood, women are conditioned to be polite, accommodating and conflict-avoidant. This influences their career choices, steering them towards traditionally feminine professions like teaching, nursing, and customer service. And it has other implications too. When it comes to excelling professionally, excessive niceness can undermine women’s success in competitive environments.
Women crowded into lower-paid “women-centered” fields reflects a societal value gap that reinforces inequities between the sexes. Women are encouraged to pursue careers considered innately feminine, leaving professions requiring assertiveness and influence to men.
To be valued for competency over niceness, women must overcome the pressure to be sweet and compliant at work. Nice women quietly hope hard work gets noticed, rather than self-advocating for promotions and opportunities. They make apologies and compromises, like accepting lower pay, to balance parenting and careers. They avoid negotiations, conflicts and criticisms, out of a desire to be liked. Prioritizing being nice also keeps women from speaking out against mistreatment or pushing back on unreasonable requests.
Instead of likeability, aim for respect. Shake off the need for validation and focus on your own growth. Stop smiling through frustrations and channel niceness into constructive assertiveness.
Here are some strategies to help you transition from nice to effectively assertive.
If you’re interrupted, continue talking until you finish your point. And stand while speaking when possible.
Support other women by calling out interruptions. In time, they’ll follow your lead and do the same for you.
Get right to your point without apologetic lead-ins and avoid over-practicing presentations. Relaxation builds confidence.
The purpose of this assertiveness isn’t to become mean, it’s to establish boundaries and champion your worth. Shedding the pressure to be nice will help you stand up for yourself and others, to speak with conviction and to own your expertise. Your talents deserve to be seen, appreciated and valued.
Don’t react – respond
Leading a team often means steering the ship through stormy seas. When a crisis hits, even the most competent leaders can become overwhelmed and react emotionally, instead of responding thoughtfully. But succumbing to reactive communication during turbulent times can undermine your credibility as a leader.
So, what exactly is reactive communication? It’s when you mirror the stress and negativity around you, letting fear – rather than logic – guide your words and actions. Reactive communication is centered in the heated moment, ignoring long-term consequences. We’ve all felt reactive at times – facing a tight deadline, dealing with difficult people, or feeling unappreciated. These situations spark stressful emotions that can boil over into reactive communication if we’re not careful.
It’s normal and human to experience strong emotions. But if you lack self-discipline in volatile situations, decision-makers may come to see you as a liability rather than an asset. Your role as a leader is to mitigate heightened emotions, not exacerbate them. So, how can you make the shift from reactive to responsive communication?
First, know your triggers. What specific situations tend to stress you out and tempt you to react poorly? Once you’re familiar with your triggers, you can proactively plan ways to calm yourself when those moments arise. For instance, you might pause and take some deep breaths before responding to a confrontational email. Or if a tense meeting is on the horizon, you could build in time beforehand to clear your head. Find ways to support yourself so that you don’t become derailed.
Responsive communication is measured, factual, and avoids hyperbole, aggression, or assigning blame. Here are some strategies to stay grounded in it: Don’t fire back an instant reply when emotions are running high. Seek to understand rather than react. Stay focused on the core issue without getting drawn into personal attacks or excess drama. If you need time to respond thoughtfully, ask for it. Sometimes a pause or brief silence can be the most powerful response of all.
With self-awareness and practice, you can make great strides in managing reactive impulses. Your team will appreciate a leader who stays cool-headed in crises, considers options objectively, and responds with care. A reputation for responsive leadership will serve you well over the long haul.
Stop saying sorry
Women have a tendency to say “I’m sorry” constantly when they don’t actually need to apologize. This reflex to apologize comes from childhood, when girls are conditioned to take up less space and not inconvenience others. As a result, women often say sorry when asking for a raise, taking time off, being a few minutes late, or even just emailing someone important. But this instinct to apologize for asserting their needs can undermine women at work.
Unnecessary apologies invite others to minimize and judge you. Saying sorry for needing a work-life balance implies that your family should come second. Apologizing for lacking qualifications suggests you don’t deserve opportunities. Even highly successful women say sorry when they should be proud, like tennis champion Naomi Osaka did after winning the US Open against the crowd favorite, Serena Wiliams.
In contrast, research shows men apologize far less frequently than women. Their bar for feeling they did something warranting remorse is set much higher. Women’s frequent “just because” apologies reveal their insecurities and neuroses, rather than serving any purpose.
You may not realize how often you say sorry unnecessarily. To gain greater awareness, try using the Just Not Sorry app, which highlights apologetic language in emails. This can illuminate how reflexive those apologies have become.
Women say sorry constantly in hopes of being accepted, avoiding judgment, and averting conflict. But conflict avoidance results in weak leadership, since addressing conflict is an essential management skill.
Instead of meaningless apologies, try using gratitude language. Thank people for their patience, rather than apologizing for delays. Instead of saying sorry for being unable to attend events, express appreciation for being invited.
The point isn’t to become callous or aggressive. It’s to recognize that unnecessary apologies undermine your confidence and amplify voices telling you to shrink yourself. When you stop reflexively saying sorry, you make room for your voice to come through clearly, based on its own merits.
Watch your words
Even small word choices can transform how your communication comes across. And using confident, assertive language starts with being deliberate at the sentence level.
For example, when politely declining a request, think carefully about using prepositions like because, except, or until. These words invite others to debate your decision by asking for an explanation. For instance, say your boss wants you to work on Saturday. Simply stating, “I can't come into the office that day” leaves no room for unwanted pushback. But saying, “I can’t because I’m watching my kids” allows your boss to suggest bringing them along, making it difficult for you to decline.
On the flip side, using “because” strategically can bolster your position when making a request. Asking for a raise is very different from asking for a raise because your work directly increased profits last quarter. The preposition underscores your value.
Whether making a request or providing context, get to the point quickly. Remember, KISS – Keep It Simple, Stupid. Personal details, at best, distract. At worst, they overshare.
Also, don’t justify decisions that need no explanation. If asked to take on inappropriate responsibilities, a firm no suffices. Justifications suggest room for debate when no room exists.
This advice becomes even more critical when pitching ideas. Try using the following eight-minute pitch formula:
Two minutes to explain your intention, promise, and desired takeaway.
Two minutes to provide evidence supporting your claims.
Two minutes on why you’re uniquely qualified to deliver.
And finally, two minutes to articulate a clear ask, offer, or request.
This high-impact structure can work for other important conversations too. Start with your desired outcome, present proof, highlight your skills, and make an ask.
Remember that impactful communication requires thoughtfulness at the sentence level. Carefully chosen words and a direct, focused approach demonstrate confidence and leadership capability.
Final summary
If you want to be taken seriously as a woman in the workforce, you need to stop apologizing, own your accomplishments, and value direct communication over people-pleasing waffle. Your words matter – so choose them well. When you do, you’ll distinguish yourself as a leader.