What’s in it for me? Explore the possibilities of polyamory.
On its surface, monogamy may seem pretty straightforward and intuitive. You meet a person, fall in love, and stay exclusive with that person until your relationship ends. But life is rarely that cut-and-dry. What if you desire other forms of connection? What if you deeply love more than one person?
Is the reason we're so hung up on monogamy just because it’s become society’s default expectation? Or could multiple relationships, with the consent of all involved, lead to more pleasure, growth, and fulfillment?
Welcome to the world of ethical non-monogamy – specifically, polyamory. Polyamory embraces the idea that healthy, nurturing relationships can take many forms. It challenges cultural scripts that true love must be limited and exclusive.
In this Blink, we’ll explore some of these possibilities. And while we can’t cover everything, we’ll share some important tips for open communication and reflection to help you avoid common pitfalls.
Polyamory isn’t for everyone. But for those drawn to walk this path, it can be tremendously rewarding. A heated embrace, warm companionship, the joy of varied and vibrant bonds – perhaps all are possible when we expand the mind and open the heart.
Sound intriguing? Read on!
Beyond the normative fairy tale
We’re all familiar with these stories: Lonely maiden stumbles upon her perfect prince. Or intrepid knight catches sight of an enchanting princess, and instantly wins her love. The specifics don’t matter; every story ends with happily ever after. These fairy tales of youth depict true love as easy and certain – a done deal once we find our one true soulmate.
But real life is more complicated, and real relationships take work to maintain. People change over time and so do their feelings; nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. That’s because the act of marriage isn’t the final act. It’s just the beginning of a lifelong process that involves reinvesting and adapting to your partner – and to yourself.
The human desire for companionship is strong. Yet for many, the expectation of monogamy brings its own host of problems. Partnerships can be strained when sex drives or attraction become mismatched. And while monogamy is considered a standard part of relationships, some people simply chafe at the idea that they have to deny their attraction to other people.
How many people can you truly love? Actor Johnny Depp once famously said if you love two people, choose the second one you fell in love with. Why? Because if you truly loved the first, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second. But is this true? What if the heart doesn’t work this way? What if it’s possible to love more than one person – and to love them deeply and fully?
For some, one relationship flips a switch, seemingly satisfying all their drives for intimacy and companionship. But for others, it doesn’t. For them, the notion that one person could meet all their desires and needs seems unreasonable. They seek intimate bonds where they’re seen, known, and loved for who they are. But they wish to form multiple connections in the process.
This is polyamory: having multiple romantic relationships concurrently, with the knowledge and consent of all involved. Polyamory isn’t cheating; no one is violating the agreed rules of their relationship. Actually, polyamory is very compatible with honesty and commitment – but commitment in polyamorous relationships is about more than sexual exclusivity. It means investing in multiple relationships and supporting, as well as being supported by, multiple partners.
Let’s take a closer look at what this entails in the next section.
Going poly: benefits and drawbacks
Santiago and Winona are an engaged couple who share a beautiful home together. For several years, they’ve both been dating Helen. Santiago began this romance before Helen and Winona developed their own connection. Now each member of the triad feels committed to each other – though each makes sure to take some time alone.
Eliza is a loving but independent-minded partner. She prefers to live by herself. But she frequently visits her boyfriend Kyle, who lives in another state. Kyle lives with his girlfriend Melody; when Eliza visits, she stays with them both. Meanwhile, Eliza is also dating a woman named Stacie in her hometown. Stacie is married to Seth. And in their relationship, Stacie and Seth are close confidants but not romantic partners.
Got all of that? If these relationships seem complicated to you, that’s understandable. And yet those who practice this non-standard relationship style cite many benefits.
For some poly people, having multiple relationships means greater opportunities for practical and emotional support. A larger support network provides more perspectives and more help in hard times. And when it comes to sexuality, having multiple partners means both greater variety and more opportunities for learning and growth.
For others engaged in a long-term committed relationship, polyamory is a way of dealing with mismatched libidos that would otherwise strain their bond. After all, poly partners don’t exclusively rely on one another to meet all of their needs. Many proponents of polyamory find it facilitates greater honesty, as partners don’t need to deny or conceal their attraction to others outside the relationship.
Polyamory challenges assumptions about love as a limited and scarce resource, where loving one person more means loving someone else less. But it isn’t fundamentally more enlightened, and poly relationships aren’t necessarily better suited to human nature than monogamy is. In short, polyamory isn’t for everyone; it’s just another option.
Some find that a polyamorous relationship style works better for meeting their personal needs. And whatever the specifics of their arrangements are, many think the poly approach to relationships is helpful. They find that deliberately framing their relationships in an intentional way rather than following default social expectations leads them to more satisfying bonds – and greater personal growth.
Still, there are some potential downsides to this lifestyle choice.
For one, more people means more complexity to navigate. Poly people aren’t automatically less jealous or better communicators, and challenges will inevitably arise. People’s egos can be bruised, and feelings hurt. Polyamory calls on participants to seriously step up their communication skills and deepen their own self-knowledge.
And while personal growth is often accelerated, it can be painful. Love hurts! Often, in the process of opening up to new connections, vulnerabilities and insecurities bubble to the surface.
For an already-established relationship, polyamory also changes things. Adding new relationships into the mix can disrupt the status quo. As someone gains a partner, with all of the benefits that brings, they may lose time and attention for another partner. Not all partners will like each other. And, as in monogamous relationships, love is never guaranteed to last.
So then, why choose polyamory?
For some, non-monogamy just feels intrinsic to who they are – akin to a sexual orientation. Others see it as more of an ethical choice, avoiding assumptions of possession. And then there are those who simply find that polyamory leads to more joy, support, and love in their lives – and that the rewards offset any costs.
If you’re thinking of trying polyamory, here are a few things to reflect upon and consider.
What do you want from your relationships? Are you hoping for multiple lasting bonds, or just more sexual variety? Do you think you could love more than one person at once? How do you define commitment? What tradeoffs are you willing to make? How important is transparency to you? How much is enough – and how much is too much?
When venturing into this territory, remember to be aware of your “shoulds”; these are the choices that serve your values and your specific nature. In other words, be sure to tune into what you truly want and need – and also consider the shoulds of anyone you form connections with.
Love and mushrooms
How is polyamory like eating mushrooms?
A trip into the forest can reward the forager with culinary delights. But toxic look-alikes abound as well. Without an expert guide, each colorful fungus poses both a benefit and a potential danger.
So the wise mushroom hunter proceeds with care. She starts by consulting local field guides, questioning people familiar with the land, and learning the names and features of both delectable and deadly species.
Still, nothing beats direct experience. So, with her book in hand, she crouches down to inspect her first find. She takes a small bite, then waits to ensure no ill effects arise before sampling any others.
Over time, through careful incremental experiments, she builds knowledge of what nourishes her – and what only causes upset.
Those intrepidly venturing into polyamory for the first time face a similar journey. Departing from familiar cultural scripts and paradigms, they find themselves in unfamiliar territory without an expert guide to take them by the hand.
So, like the forager, it’s wise to move slowly – to probe, test, and observe outcomes, collecting evidence of which choices bear poison and which nourishment. But even then, having a guidebook can’t hurt! So let this Blink be your guide as we take a look at a few basic principles.
The first principle is this: the people in a relationship are more important than the relationship itself. Relationships exist to serve the people in them. If a relationship stops serving the well-being of those involved, then it has fundamentally lost its purpose. So while nurturing partnerships may sometimes require you to make sacrifices or compromises, remember not to ever sacrifice your agency or core sense of self. Keep asking yourself, What do I want from this relationship?
Here’s a second principle: people should be treated as human beings, not possessions. It's easy to slip into possessive thinking when insecurities arise in relationships. We may start subconsciously viewing partners as objects or territory to be controlled. But this attitude breeds resentment and alienation. So although it can be challenging, keep reminding yourself that partners are autonomous individuals with free will. Their choices and lives stretch beyond the bounds of your relationship with them.
Relationships thrive when they’re founded on clear communication. Having an open heart and communicating honestly will allow you to express your needs and desires without moving straight to demands. Try expressing your needs openly, and then brainstorm with your partner how they can be met. This usually works better than trying to dictate specific behaviors or outcomes.
Let’s look at this example.
James and Samantha have been dating polyamorously for a few years. When their relationship first started, James loved Samantha’s adventurous spirit. But over time, James has grown jealous of the weekends Samantha spends camping with her other partner, Ryan. So he tries to limit her trips with Ryan – coming up with restrictions and qualifications that make seeing Ryan difficult. In turn, this makes Samantha feel resentful.
Finally, James openly shares his feelings with Samantha. He explains that while he’s enjoyed their quiet nights in, he’s also hoping for some shared weekend adventures. Samantha is glad to hear James speak up. She simply hadn't realized how much he missed having a sense of shared adventure, exploration, and connection. With better communication and planning, they find a balance where both of Samantha's relationships can be nurtured. James learns that expressing his needs openly, and trusting Samantha to work with him, is more effective than dictating behaviors for her to follow. And it feels better too.
Treating partners as possessions to be guarded or locked down stems from a scarcity mentality – a sense that love is limited and fragile rather than abundant and resilient. In a scarcity mentality, we fear that giving our partners freedom means losing something. But love doesn’t require possession or control. Relationships actually thrive when partners grant each other space to grow.
Conversely, scarcity-based demands often backfire, strangling the vivacious spirit that attracted you to someone in the first place. So, when jealousy strikes, try to avoid boxing partners into roles that assuage your own fears. Can you build greater trust with your partner with clearer and more open communication? Can you trust their judgment and meet their authentic selves?
Practice letting go of assumptions about how relationships “should” operate, and instead embrace the organic, ever-changing nature of intimacy. This won’t just free you from your own constraints – it’ll also allow your bonds with your partners to deepen further. With courage, you can view partners as fellow travelers, not territory to conquer.
Here are some essential questions for you to reflect upon along the way:
Have I been fully transparent with all my partners about the nature of each connection? Have I created opportunities for open communication with each of my partners? Am I considering how my choices may affect others? Is this relationship structure centered on mutual care, or am I prioritizing my own desires over someone else’s well-being? Am I showing the same respect and understanding that I expect my partners to show me? Are there any power dynamics or unspoken pressures that could prevent someone from feeling safe to speak up?
Approaching relationships with this mindset of care, empathy, and – above all – ethics can help nurture rewarding connections where everyone feels valued.
Final summary
There are many valid ways to build relationships. Polyamory simply offers an alternative paradigm – one that comes with both joys and challenges. Going poly requires rethinking socially ingrained assumptions about how relationships are “supposed to” work. Instead, poly partners consciously and intentionally frame their relationships through ongoing communication based on honesty and trust.
At its core, polyamory is about letting go of a scarcity mentality when it comes to love. It reflects a belief that love can’t be limited or contained. But it also takes work. Ethical polyamory means ensuring all partners – without exception – feel seen, valued, and free to express their needs.
There are no definitive guidelines. But reflecting deeply, communicating courageously, and attuning closely can help poly relationships flourish.