What’s in it for me? A practical and spiritual guide to finding and keeping the deep friendships you crave.
Are you currently struggling with feelings of loneliness?
Does it seem like no one really gets what you’re going through?
Like you’ve been abandoned?
First things first, don’t worry if you are – because it’s not just you.
At some level, all of us have dealt with loneliness before.
Maybe we touched down at an airport and realized we didn’t have anyone to call to pick us up.
Maybe we’re anxious because we’re still single while our friends are all getting married.
Or maybe our family is broken and unhealthy, and the dreaded holiday season is approaching.
These situations and many others can convince us we’re all alone.
But that’s not true.
Jennie Allen argues that the people we need could be just around the corner, and that we have the power to find them – with a strong sense of commitment and the help of God.
In this Blink to Allen’s Find Your People, we’ll reveal a Christian approach to how you can find, make, and keep friends.
Do we really need friends?
Think about how you typically spend your evenings and weekends.
Most of the time, you probably sit at home, either alone or with a small number of roommates or family members.
You make dinner for just you.
You buy everything you could possibly need, making sure to never bother your neighbors for anything.
And you spend hours staring into a screen – comfortable, safe, and entertained.
But also sad.
Unfortunately, this description applies to a lot of people.
According to research done by the health insurance company Cigna, more than three in five Americans report being chronically lonely.
Meanwhile, you probably spend a significant amount of time wishing you had the kinds of friendships you see on your favorite TV shows – Friends, Cheers, and so on.
The kind of connection where you feel comfortable randomly dropping by your friend’s place with a pizza and plates.
The bond that stays strong even when you hurt each other, where you work out your issues instead of bailing.
This type of genuine, deep, forever friendship can sound like a fantasy.
But in fact, it’s exactly the type of relationship we’re geared for.
Jennie Allen posits that God built us to need people.
That’s because God Himself exists eternally in relationship – it’s the Trinity.
God is one and three at the same time: Father, Spirit, and Son.
Together, these three aspects of God exist to glorify one another.
He is fundamentally relational.
And as creatures fashioned after His image, we are too.
Unfortunately, the enemy hates community.
He seeks to divide people and prevent God’s glory from shining through.
This is why fighting back and building those connections is so important.
The ultimate purpose of relationship-building is to exist in a village of people fighting for and delighting in God – exactly what the enemy hates.
To find your people, Allen recommends saying a prayer to God.
Close your eyes, and beg Him to help you find people that can join you in fighting against the dark.
Pray to become God’s idea of community: deep, intentional, day-in and day-out connection.
In the next sections, we’ll discuss Allen’s five-pronged approach for finding your people, deepening your connections with them, and sticking it out when the going gets rough.
What would you say is the number one reason you don’t have friends?
The main explanation Allen hears people give is that they’re too busy.
Instead of setting up a regular time to meet with friends, people squeeze in a lunch date here and there.
Or they attend a monthly club where the conversation never really goes beyond the surface.
Find your people nearby.
The reality is that this “busyness” is an illusion.
Allen explains that you don’t necessarily need to spend a ton of time going out and trying to make friends – God has put lots of people into your path already.
All you have to do is invite them into your life!
How exactly do you do that?
Try following these three key steps.
First, notice who’s already right in front of you.
Who do you see regularly at school, church, your job, your neighborhood, your child’s sports game, or your book club?
Who do you enjoy being around or share things in common with?
Who seems genuinely interested in you?
Come up with about ten names, and pray over them.
Ask God to help you narrow the list to around five people you can try pursuing deeper relationships with.
Once you’ve identified a few potential friends, you can take the initiative in starting a friendship.
Admittedly, this part can be slightly awkward since it’s rare for someone to do this.
But you can’t just wait around for it to happen on its own.
Be intentional and consistent in initiating contact and conversations.
Ask a wise teacher for advice, thank your upbeat neighbor for their constant positive attitude, or find a way to work on a project with your fiery coworker.
By initiating in this way, you get comfortable with changing the rhythm of your relationships and helping them evolve.
Next, take things a step further by starting great conversations.
This part can be difficult for a lot of people – Allen included.
It feels safe to keep conversations on the surface, talking about the kids or a similarly lighthearted topic.
But these types of conversations don’t end with you really getting to know another person.
Instead, you have to start asking more intentional questions.
Two examples of such questions could be, “What are you longing for?
” and “What is making you anxious?
” When the person answers, sit with whatever feelings they’re sharing and don’t try to fix them.
Follow up with a simple “I’m sorry” or “What do you need from me right now?
” These types of questions will help you move closer to understanding how the person actually feels.
You need to need each other.
Jennie Allen was interviewing a friend of hers, Jessica, for a podcast one morning.
During the conversation, she asked Jessica how she could be a better friend.
Allen expected to hear a fairly casual response, like “Text me more often!
” or “Let’s set up a weekly phone chat!
” But that’s not how Jessica responded.
Instead, she said, “You never need me.
You never need anything from me.
I want you to need me more.
” The response brought tears to Allen’s eyes.
Jessica was one of her dearest friends.
But she had asked for something Allen wasn’t sure she could give.
See, like many of us, Allen had – and still has – a hard time being transparent.
When she tries to open up, she feels selfish and needy.
She also worries she’ll be misunderstood or judged.
This is exactly what happened to her in the past – people spread rumors about sensitive information she shared.
This experience caused her to put up walls.
Just like Allen, many of us hide because we’ve been hurt in the past.
It’s safer behind our walls.
But as Allen has learned the hard way, the only way to develop true intimacy with other people is by being vulnerable.
You’ve got to show raw, real honesty in talking about the messy stuff in your life – your fights with your spouse, your difficulties raising children, your addiction to sex or pornography.
Friendship isn’t built only on smiles.
To be seen, known, and held accountable, you need to risk the pain of being known.
How can you take the conversation deeper and get to that vulnerable place?
One thing to try is planning a get-together with a friend where you’ll be relatively uninterrupted.
Tell her that you’d like to have an intentionally deeper-than-usual conversation.
Say something like, “I really want to share some things going on in my life right now.
” Express why you want to go deeper, and then actually share some difficulty in your life.
Remember: the other person will only be as vulnerable as you are.
When you make the decision to get vulnerable, there’s always a chance you’ll be hurt.
But the alternative is to keep on self-protecting.
And that means you’ll be left isolated, sad, and never truly known.
Stay accountable.
Allen’s adopted son, Cooper, was born in Rwanda.
When she took him back to the village of his birth, surrogate tribal elders took it upon themselves to parent him.
At one point, Cooper was showing off in front of a bunch of local kids.
Pastor Fred, one of the village elders, pulled him aside.
He told Cooper he was missing out on a great opportunity to learn about the other children’s lives.
Even though it probably felt nice to be treated like he was special, Pastor Fred told Cooper, the other kids were special too.
He had a responsibility to listen and take an interest in them, just as Jesus would have.
In Pastor Fred’s culture, it’s normal for elders to coparent people’s children.
Rwandans hold each other to Jesus’s standard and let each other know when they aren’t living up to it.
Whether they’re blood-related or not, everyone holds each other accountable.
Unlike people in Rwanda, Westerners of this generation aren’t huge fans of accountability.
They resent being challenged about their behavior.
And with their doctrine of independence, they think they can handle it all on their own.
But accountability is important.
It brings us closer to who we’re meant to be.
By letting other people “bother” us about how we act and what we do, we correct our behavior.
Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
” But in order to be “sharpened” by another person, you need to allow yourself to be sharpened.
To pursue that goal, start by asking yourself, Which person or people do I know who have the wisdom to speak into my life?
This doesn’t have to be one of your closest friends – it could be any friends or mentors you know.
Once you’ve identified them, give explicit permission to this person or people to tell the truth to you.
Then, regularly ask them what areas they see in your life where you need to grow.
Ask them what practices they think you should embrace in order to mature.
Importantly, also ask them to hold you accountable to that change.
Finally, plan a follow-up meeting and ask the person or people whether you can hold them accountable for anything in return!
Real accountability means that you’re going to need to share a lot about yourself.
This can feel invasive at first – and, as always, the information shared could theoretically be used against you some day, in some way.
But the benefits of sharing outweigh the risks.
Find your mission together.
Prior to the Industrial Revolution, the default community was a tight-knit one.
But as jobs in cities became plentiful, people began moving to major metropolises and away from family and friends.
They began valuing work over home.
Instead of allowing the sun to set the pace of the day, electric lights allowed people to log twelve-plus hour workdays.
Then, as city housing grew increasingly unaffordable and people began moving to suburbs, their work and home lives grew even more distinct and less connected.
Nowadays, the situation is even worse.
Thanks to social media, virtual connection takes precedence over real-life connection.
All the facets of our lives have become separate, with work, home, and spirituality having little to do with one another.
But there’s a different path you can take.
Instead of running with the status quo, why not shift to a bigger, deeper vision for your relationships?
Unite the various facets of your life under a mission that you and your people can fight for together.
If you’re a follower of Christ, you’ve already got one.
That mission is to share the love of God.
Even luckier, you already have a team to pursue it with: your local church.
As a follower of Jesus, every moment of your life – every person you talk to – has importance attached.
Every day, you do discipleship when you get to know people, honoring God even in ordinary moments.
So tell people about your God.
At the grocery store, choose the cashier instead of the self-checkout lane.
Look that person in the eyes, and talk with her.
Fight back against the dominant, individualistic culture, and put family and people back into their rightful place in your life.
To find other ways to serve God with your people, assess the way you spend your time.
Every week has 168 hours.
How much time in each week do you spend doing your various activities?
Do you have hours to spare, or are you already too busy for people?
How can you subtract time from certain activities or add others so you can intentionally build close friendships and purposeful interactions into your week?
Make time to join a club or a workout class, plan a project to paint someone’s room, or start volunteering.
Do the work.
At some point in the future, sooner or later, you’re going to come to a point when you want to abandon one of the friendships you’ve made.
It’s inevitable.
You will come into conflict with one of your friends – either because you’ve hurt them or they’ve hurt you.
But conflict isn’t a reason to walk away from your friends.
In fact, by engaging in conflict, you’re proving your commitment to the relationship.
Conflict teaches you the ways in which you’re behaving badly or not loving someone well, and so it enables you to grow.
For Jennie Allen, conflict within her community occurs almost weekly.
It works because her community places relationships with God at the center, which unites everyone in a shared mission.
They look to God for their identity, hope, and purpose, so they’re able to issue forgiveness when people inevitably disappoint them.
Now for the practicalities – how do you ensure healthy conflict?
First of all, give others the benefit of the doubt.
Don’t assume that someone has specifically set out to hurt you when you could have simply misunderstood what they did or said.
Assume the best, and try to move on.
Second, if you can’t let whatever happened go, talk to the person about it.
Ask them what they meant, and give them space to explain.
Above all, don’t sit and stew in your anger.
Third, be quick to apologize.
If someone says you’ve hurt them, apologize right away – and ask them what you can do to make up for it.
Don’t say more than that; even if you think you were in the right, not much good can come of defending yourself.
Take responsibility for hurting the other person, even if that wasn’t your intention.
Finally, aim to be a peacemaker.
Romans 12:18 tells us, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
” Do everything you can to resolve a problem before it blows up between you and the other person.
In the past, people were forced to resolve conflict because they lived in such close proximity.
Now, it’s all too easy to hide or ghost our friends.
But we should always choose the inconvenience of resolving our conflicts, of staying and doing the work.
Doing this is the only way we get to reap the best parts of our friendships: the laughs, the hopes, and the dreams.
Final Summary
God built us to be in close-knit community, where we support and fight relentlessly for one another.
Many of us dream of having a group of friends we can share everything with – the good and the bad.
Sadly, the enemy is doing everything in his power to ensure that we remain divided and isolated.
We must do our utmost to fight against him by building villages that serve as centers for spreading God’s love.
To do that, we need to find and keep our people by following five simple rules: being in close proximity to one another, going deep, staying accountable, finding a shared mission, and resolving conflict.