What’s in it for me? Strengthen yourself against everyday emotional hurts.
Being human means we’re susceptible to cuts, sprains, bruises, and other mild injuries.
As a result, most homes are equipped with some kind of first aid kit, or, at the very least, bandaids and painkillers.
We know that the small injuries we regularly sustain need immediate attention, and we’ve been taught exactly how to tend to them.
But what about common emotional injuries like rejection, failure, or low self-esteem?
Left untreated, they can lead to bigger psychological problems, but we’ve never been taught which emotional bandaids or painkillers to use.
That’s where these blinks come in.
They dive into the emotional hurts we all experience, and provide ways to treat them and ensure they don’t do more harm than necessary.
In these blinks, you’ll learn the right way to apologize; how to respond to the F-word; and what the flu and self-esteem have in common.
Reaffirm yourself to prevent minor rejections from doing serious harm.
Do you remember the first time you were rejected?
Perhaps you weren’t picked for a team at school or didn’t get invited to a party.
Whatever your first experience of rejection was, one thing’s for sure, it wasn’t your last.
Rejection happens throughout life.
The kid who didn’t pick you for her team becomes a stranger who ignores your polite hello, or a company that won’t hire you.
But even though it’s so common, rejection still hurts.
Hearing “No” or feeling left out triggers emotional pain and anger, and affects our self-esteem and sense of belonging.
And just like a scratch can lead to an infection if it’s not treated, minor rejections can lead to more serious psychological issues.
The key message here is: Reaffirm yourself to prevent minor rejections from doing serious harm.
One of the effects of rejection is that it dents your self-esteem.
In an attempt to understand why you were rejected, it’s easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism and believe that you’re somehow lacking.
To avoid this, it’s important to remind yourself of your own positive traits and boost your sense of self-worth.
Start by throwing counterarguments at any negative thoughts that pop up.
Make sure that your counterpoint is not only kinder, but also relevant to the situation.
So rather than thinking you messed up a job interview, tell yourself that the company just needed someone with a very specific background.
Once you’ve wrestled with your negative thoughts, give your self-worth a boost by remembering your valuable traits.
Think of five positive traits that are relevant to the rejection – for instance, if you don’t get the dream job that you interviewed for, list five qualities that make you a great employee.
Then, write a few short paragraphs explaining why each trait matters to you, the role it plays in your life, and why it’s crucial to your self-image.
Lastly, soothe the hurt of rejection by reaching out to the people around you.
Humans have a fundamental need to feel like they belong, and this is one of the reasons rejection can be so difficult.
To restore your sense of belonging, spend time with loved ones, this will help you feel more connected.
If it’s not possible to be around friends and family, taking in reminders like photos, messages, or mementos will also do the trick.
Loneliness creates a vicious cycle, but it can be broken.
Today, people are more connected than ever before.
Thanks to the internet and various devices, friends and strangers are only a few clicks away.
Yet with all these ways to connect, many people are still incredibly lonely.
This is because loneliness doesn’t stem from a lack of connections, but from feeling socially or emotionally isolated.
Just think of someone with an endless list of contacts, but no close friends.
Unfortunately, the effects of loneliness actually make it harder to break out of isolation.
When people are lonely for extended periods of time, they feel hopeless and often expect the worst – so they make fewer attempts to reach out.
And if they do happen to form relationships, they struggle to maintain them because their relationship skills are weak from lack of practice.
Here’s the key message: Loneliness creates a vicious cycle, but it can be broken.
The first step in treating loneliness is challenging the negative feelings it fosters.
You can do this by imagining positive outcomes and giving people the benefit of the doubt.
For example, instead of thinking that you won’t know anyone at a party, or that people won’t want to speak to you, imagine meeting new, friendly people.
The latter makes you more likely to accept an invitation.
Helplessness is another negative feeling that emerges from loneliness.
And to overcome it, you have to take action.
Reach out to people with whom you’ve had positive interactions in the past, or use online platforms to sign up for interesting activities.
This will make you feel empowered to change your situation.
After tackling negative perceptions and feelings, turn the spotlight on your behavior.
Loneliness makes people unknowingly act in ways that push others away.
This includes avoiding social events, giving curt answers during conversations, or focusing on your phone instead of engaging with people.
To identify what’s holding you back, think about past social experiences and list three things you did that prevented you from interacting.
Keep this list in mind as a reminder of what not to do.
The last step in combating loneliness is exercising an important relationship muscle: empathizing with people and seeing things from their perspective.
Doing this improves communication, problem-solving, and compassion – all key ingredients for strong, meaningful relationships.
Get this muscle working by imagining yourself in other people’s shoes and making an effort to understand how they see and experience situations.
Reclaiming parts of ourselves and finding meaning help us piece our lives together after loss and trauma.
When we think about loss or trauma, we usually imagine events like a life-changing accident – or, worse, death.
These have an undeniably strong impact on our well-being, but they’re not the only kinds of loss and trauma.
On the less-severe end of the scale, relationships end, we pack up and move to new places, or we lose jobs.
Experiences like these can disrupt our lives and change how we see ourselves.
And recovering from them is like repairing broken bones.
The pieces have to be put back correctly in order for the bones to heal and, eventually, function like they used to.
The key message is this: Reclaiming parts of ourselves and finding meaning help us piece our lives together after loss and trauma.
One way loss and trauma affect us is by threatening the ways in which we identify ourselves.
For example, someone who defines himself by his stellar career could suddenly lose his job.
Or, following a divorce, a woman might avoid meaningful activities or friends because they’re painful reminders of the loss.
To recover our sense of identity, it’s vital to reclaim the parts of ourselves that we’ve lost.
A good way to start is by listing the qualities and activities we value but haven’t been able to engage with since the painful event.
Then we should explore why we feel so disconnected from these, and identify ways to reintroduce them into our lives.
Tackling the easiest steps first, we can then work our way through the list and gradually start living full lives again.
In addition to challenging our identities, loss and trauma can also shake our core beliefs.
For instance, believing that the world is generally fair and then going through something particularly unfair can make us question our understanding of the world.
To handle such blows to our beliefs, we need to find meaning in the loss and trauma.
This is a two-step process.
First, we must make sense of things by asking why something happened instead of how.
This encourages us to explore existential, spiritual, or philosophical answers that can help us make peace with the events.
The second part of finding meaning is identifying something positive in the experience.
Think of people who appreciate their families more after a tragedy, or create art to process their feelings.
Silver linings like these can be comforting after loss or trauma.
The remedy for guilt is repairing our relationships with others and with ourselves.
At some point in life, we’ve all been weighed down by a guilty conscience.
Perhaps this has happened after we’ve disappointed a friend or hurt a loved one.
As horrible as it makes us feel, guilt does have a purpose.
It motivates us to do the right thing and helps protect the important relationships in our lives.
Guilt is only a problem when it causes distress and prevents us from living fully, or having happy and healthy relationships.
For example, we might be so racked with guilt about how we wronged a good friend that we avoid her completely.
Luckily, we don’t have to be paralyzed by guilt forever.
The key message here is: The remedy for guilt is repairing our relationships with others and with ourselves.
When we’ve hurt or disappointed someone, the solution to tortuous guilt seems easy: fix the relationship by apologizing.
But in reality, it’s not that simple.
This is because good apologies go beyond saying sorry.
An effective apology requires three additional things.
We have to validate the other person’s feelings.
This means hearing the wronged party out, and conveying that we understand their feelings and are remorseful.
Next, we have to make things right by offering some kind of compensation.
And lastly, we need to express that our actions were unacceptable and promise to not repeat them.
Through a good apology, we can gain forgiveness and release feelings of guilt.
But what if the other person rejects our apology – or we can’t even offer it because he or she isn’t around?
In these scenarios, forgiveness is still possible.
The only difference is that we have to do the forgiving.
Self-forgiveness alleviates guilt and helps people enjoy life without avoiding those they’ve wronged.
So how do we forgive ourselves?
Well, we have to take responsibility for our actions and acknowledge how we’ve affected others.
We then need to ensure we never repeat the offending actions.
Once a plan is in place, we should find a way to atone.
The author shares examples of a girl sneaking money back into her mother’s wallet after months of stealing, or people volunteering for a cause.
Offering such reparations completes the self-forgiveness process.
Shifting perspectives and reframing events can help you get out of a rumination rut.
Ever had a friend go through a breakup and then talk about nothing else for months?
Chances are you were sympathetic at first, but grew impatient after hearing about it for the umpteenth time.
This rehashing of painful events is called ruminating, and it’s not reserved for the brokenhearted.
Many people continuously reflect on upsetting experiences.
And each time they do, they feel worse.
It’s like picking at a scab – it only delays healing.
In addition to prolonging the healing process, ruminating also leads to anger, drains mental energy, and is taxing for those friends and family members who have to listen to it.
Here’s the key message: Shifting perspectives and reframing events can help you get out of a rumination rut.
Putting an end to rumination can be tricky, but it is possible.
And it starts with changing how you look at the experience.
Usually, people look back on painful events from their own point of view – a “self-immersed perspective.
” The problem is that this doesn’t improve your understanding; it simply forces you to relive the negative emotions.
A better approach is to distance yourself from the events and look at them from a third-person perspective.
A 2010 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that this can lead to new insights and closure.
To engage a third-person perspective, imagine you’re a stranger watching the events in question from a distance.
Do this whenever you start ruminating.
Now, what do you do with anger and torment caused by rumination?
The answer is to reframe the event in a less-upsetting way.
Look for any positive intentions, opportunities, or lessons hidden in the experience.
For example, the swimmer Michael Phelps sees taunts from his competitors as motivation for him to train and focus harder.
He has 28 Olympic medals, so it must work!
Looking at things differently can take the pain out of rumination, but stopping it completely requires another tactic: distraction.
You can pull your mind away from ruminative thoughts by focusing on moderate or intense activities like a conversation or playing games.
Think of where you often ruminate and list appropriate distractions.
For instance, going for a run is a great distraction when you’re at home, while a quick game on your phone is more suitable on the subway.
By using these tactics regularly, you can make rumination a thing of the past.
Responding to failure immediately and in the right way turns it into an opportunity for growth.
How do you feel about the F-word?
The F-word – failure – is something everyone experiences.
As children, we often fail when trying to come to grips with the world around us; as adults, we often fail when reaching for opportunities or stepping out of our comfort zones.
Sometimes we even fail at things we’ve done many times before.
But like rejection, failure isn’t harmless just because it’s common.
It can give your confidence a knock and stop you from trying again in future.
And if you do try again, past failures can often cause sabotaging fear and anxiety.
Preventing these negative effects is a matter of what you do in the wake of failure.
This is the key message here: Responding to failure immediately and in the right way turns it into an opportunity for growth.
After a disappointing failure, a shoulder to cry on is just what you need, right?
Well, not quite.
Support definitely cushions the blow of failure, but on its own it doesn’t help you bounce back.
This is because hearing words of sympathy can actually reinforce feelings of inadequacy.
Emotional support is only helpful if it’s accompanied by practical advice on what you can learn from the experience.
So while it’s perfectly fine to lean on a friend after a failure, you should also look for lessons to use going forward.
As well as causing you to feel disappointment, failure can also make you feel hopeless and demotivated.
After all, you did your best, and things still didn’t work out.
To gain a more hopeful perspective, it’s important to take control of your situation.
Do this by reflecting on your preparation and performance, and identifying things you can do differently the next time.
Break these down into actionable goals, and create a timeline for achieving them.
Now, even with an action plan, the idea of trying anything again after a failure can bring about anxiety, fear, and pressure to perform.
Left unaddressed, these feelings can sabotage future attempts and create a cycle of failure.
For instance, one of the author’s patients was so anxious about going back to work after years of being a stay-at-home mom that she made up excuses to miss job interviews.
As you can imagine, she didn’t receive any job offers.
To stop fear and anxiety from getting in your way, discuss the feelings with loved ones or a therapist, or journal about them.
And if you find yourself distracted by fears while attempting something, use breathing exercises to refocus your attention.
To strengthen self-esteem, be kinder to yourself and acknowledge your positive qualities.
When flu season comes around, parents, doctors, and other well-meaning people recommend flu shots, home remedies, and foods to boost immunity.
Their reasoning is solid.
If your immune system – the body’s defense against infections – is weak, you’re more likely to get sick.
Low self-esteem is much like weak immunity.
It makes you more vulnerable to life’s knocks and upsets.
Fortunately, self-esteem can also be improved, leaving your mind and emotions better-protected.
The question is: How, exactly, do you do this?
The key message here is: To strengthen self-esteem, be kinder to yourself and acknowledge your positive qualities.
You know that voice in your head that constantly points out your faults and mistakes?
That’s your inner critic – and, needless to say, it doesn’t help self-esteem.
Getting rid of that negative voice is essential to building self-esteem.
Silence the inner critic with self-compassion.
This means being kind to yourself instead of focusing on mistakes or perceived flaws.
Try the following self-compassion exercise.
Write about a situation that made you feel bad about yourself.
Then, imagine a good friend going through that same situation and beating himself up about it.
Write a letter to comfort your friend, making sure to express your care and understanding.
Now write down your own experience of the situation, but with the same compassion that you offered your friend.
While you’re being kind to yourself, get into the habit of affirming your positive qualities.
This immediately improves self-esteem and helps you deal with instances of failure or rejection.
A good way to affirm your strengths is to list your positive attributes and write short essays highlighting the importance of each.
Do this as often as possible, and especially before important events like dates or interviews.
The last tool you need in your self-esteem kit is self-empowerment.
Feeling that you have influence in your life is a huge boost to self-esteem.
And, fortunately, improving your sense of empowerment in one area fuels you to take action in others.
To get the ball rolling, list all the things you’d like to change, like your social life or your partner’s share of household chores.
Rank these from easiest to most difficult, and create a strategy for achieving each one.
Then work your way through the list.
With each success, you’ll feel more empowered to tackle the next item – and your self-esteem will rocket.
Final summary
The key message in these blinks: Emotional hurts like loss, failure, rejection, and guilt affect us all at one point or another.
If we don’t address them, these hurts can seriously influence our quality of life and our relationships.
By taking small but effective steps, we can treat these emotional injuries successfully and prevent them from affecting us in the long run.
Actionable advice: Seek professional help if and when you need it.
In some instances, emotional pain is too deep to address on your own.
Despite your best efforts, you might struggle to let go of guilt, low self-esteem, or feelings of loss and loneliness.
This can lead to extreme hopelessness and even thoughts of harming yourself or others.
If you find yourself feeling this way, consult a mental health professional for support.
Got feedback?
We’d love to hear what you think about our content!
Just drop an email to remember@blinkist.
com with Emotional First Aid as the subject line and share your thoughts!
What to read next: Rejection Proof, by Jia Jiang As you’ve just learned, rejection is a painful, unavoidable part of life that can be made easier by remembering your worth and relying on friends.
But what happens when you actively seek out rejection?
Discover the answer in Rejection Proof (2015).
These blinks dive into the psychology of rejection and outline how to ensure that it builds your confidence instead of rocking it.