# Codependent No More by Melody Beattie - Blinkist

Learn the truth about codependency – and how to take responsibility for your life.

Codependents are reactionaries.

They react and they overreact, but rarely do they make their own choices.

They’re driven by other people’s problems and so avoid confronting their own.

These reactions are most likely learned in response to stress – for instance, the constant uncertainty of living with an alcoholic.

And while these stress reactions can act as a coping mechanism, they only hurt us in the long run.

That’s because, just like alcoholism, codependency is a progressive condition that doesn’t get better on its own; it only gets worse.

In this Blink to Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More, you’ll learn some hard truths about the nature of codependency, as well as steps you can take and attitudes you can adopt to begin traveling down the path to recovery.

In time, you’ll learn to better cope with your problems, trust yourself, and actually begin to feel your own feelings instead of someone else’s.

In this Blink, you’ll learn  how to detach with love;  why reacting is counterproductive; and how to get over the fear of feeling your feelings.

Chapter 1: Codependency stems from taking responsibility for others. To recover, we have to take responsibility for ourselves.

Jessica was married to an alcoholic.

Though the warning signs came early – he stayed out drinking all night on their honeymoon – Jessica was in denial about her husband’s condition .

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until it got so bad she could no longer deny it.

Eventually, her husband got sober, but Jessica was still angry.

She wondered why she was the one responsible for all the housework, lawn work, and keeping their life on track?

Jessica’s friends offered to take her to Al-Anon – an offshoot of Alcoholics Anonymous that’s geared toward the family members of alcoholics – but this made Jessica angrier.

Why did she have to do more work when he was the one who caused all the problems?

Why did she need help when he was the one in recovery?

Jessica felt unappreciated, unheard, and unloved.

Sometimes, Jessica even felt like she was going crazy.

But she wasn’t – she was just a codependent.

Alcoholism, a family illness, had wreaked havoc on her life.

And unfortunately, like alcoholism, codependency is progressive.

That is, once you pick up the habit, it tends to get worse.

To be free of codependency, you have to take action.

In Jessica’s case, it didn’t matter that her husband had caused the issue.

It was her problem now – and her responsibility to solve.

The word “codependency” can be traced back to the 1970s, when it was thrown around in the treatment center community.

It referred to someone whose life was negatively affected by their relationship with a chemically dependent person.

Codependency was a coping mechanism developed in reaction to someone’s substance abuse.

Since then, clinicians have learned that codependency isn’t linked to substance abuse.

Other compulsive disorders like overeating, gambling, and sex addiction affect family members as well.

Likewise, codependency was seen in family members of the mentally or chronically ill; it also affected people in care-taking professions, such as nurses and social workers.

Beattie offers a more inclusive definition: a codependent allows another’s behavior to affect them and, in turn, becomes fixated on controlling that person.

This definition is important because it points the way to recovery, which is not to change the other person, but to change ourselves.

To recover from codependency, we first have to recognize how much we’ve let other people’s behavior affect us – turning us into obsessive, controlling caretakers with bottomed-out self-worth and an overabundance of anger.

It’s also important to point out that all these behaviors don’t make us defective.

They’re simply unhealthy stress reactions, which were necessary to mentally and emotionally survive.

However, over time, these same stress responses have become self-destructive.

Now it’s time to take responsibility for ourselves – and take our lives back.

Chapter 2: Detaching from the problem person in your life can give you clarity about your own needs.

Taking responsibility for ourselves can sound rather daunting, but it doesn’t have to happen all at once.

It’s a one-day-at-a-time process that can be quite exciting – when we take steps toward recovery, we feel an instant burst of freedom.

We start by learning detachment.

In order to begin healing, feeling our feelings, and giving ourselves what we need, we must first detach from the problem person in our lives.

What does this look like in practice?

Well, if attachment means being constantly preoccupied and worried about someone else’s problems, then detachment is the opposite.

So, if attachment means reacting to others’ problems, we detach by taking care of our own needs.

If attachment means emotional dependence, we strive to get to know our own emotions.

And if attachment means caretaking, rescuing, and enabling, we let people handle their own problems and put the focus back on ourselves.

Detachment isn’t meant to be cold or hostile.

It’s not a withdrawal from life, nor is it a meek acceptance of all the bullshit that comes our way.

And it’s not some forced, zen-like avoidant bliss.

We can detach and still love and care and be warm.

That’s because detachment is based on the idea that we’re all responsible for ourselves.

And since we can’t solve someone else’s problem, worrying about it won’t help either.

If our loved one has created a catastrophe in their life – whether a drunk driving arrest or failing to write a college paper – we let them handle the consequences.

In doing so, we give them the opportunity to learn and grow, and we show ourselves that we can do the same.

Although it may be scary to just let these things happen, it’s healthier than trying to control everything.

Through detachment, we gradually learn how to accept reality, and our faith deepens – both in ourselves and in fate, God, destiny, or whatever you want to call it.

When we cease grasping for control, we’re freed from the burden of worrying about things that aren’t our business, and we see that the world keeps on spinning.

The best thing about detachment is that when we’re freed from the perpetual anxiety of worrying about others, our minds are clearer and we make better choices about how we love and care for those closest to us.

We make better decisions.

We hurt ourselves less.

And, as a result, we experience serenity.

We give love that isn’t manipulative, and we start living our lives free of guilt.

Chapter 3: Instead of being reactionary, step back and act with purpose.

Maria was married to an alcoholic, and she tried to control her husband’s drinking by always being present.

But he still found ways to drink.

One day they got in a fight, and he said the reason he drank was because there wasn’t enough money.

So Maria got a job.

Things actually improved then – Maria was respected at work, and she enjoyed the new freedom it gave her.

But then her husband started drinking again, and Maria’s anxiety came back.

She immediately quit her job to be closer to her husband and keep things under control.

But was she actually controlling anything?

Or was his alcoholism controlling her?

When we try to control things that are none of our business, we’re the ones who end up getting controlled.

We stop acting in our best interests and, over time, just become frustrated and crazy trying to control the impossible.

Whether we’re dealing with someone else’s alcoholism – or a food, gambling, or sex compulsion – we’re fighting a battle we can’t win.

Their disease is stronger than our will; no matter how much control we exert, it’s all just an illusion.

Although we can’t even control our emotional reactions, we fool ourselves into thinking we can control others.

And say we could somehow control their actions – that still doesn’t mean we have any agency over their feelings, thoughts, or beliefs.

One of the most common ways we try to control is by rescuing or caretaking, the way Maria did with her husband.

Rescuing means taking responsibility for someone else’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.

However, in our daily lives, it’s often not as extreme as what Maria went through.

Perhaps we say yes when we mean no.

Or we clean up someone’s mess when they can easily do it themselves.

We speak for others, think for others, feel for others.

We give too much and accept too little.

And though we think we’re being loving, rescuing is actually disrespectful.

It assumes that the person we’re rescuing is incompetent and unable to help themselves – a victim we need to save.

So what should we do instead?

Try to detach by not overreacting.

Codependents, filled with anxiety and fear, tend to overreact to events around them.

But when we react, we don’t stop to check our feelings, and we lose the chance to consider our best response.

In reality, very few things in life are actually urgent.

While feelings and thoughts are important, they’re still just fleeting little things.

Actions matter, of course, but in the day-to-day, they won’t stop the world.

So learn to catch yourself before reacting.

Watch out for feelings of anxiety or outrage, rejection or self-pity, shame or worry.

It’s OK to feel these things, but what are you going to do about them?

Instead of reacting, step back and become peaceful.

Take a walk, meditate, relax – get some clarity on the situation.

Instead of thinking in terms of solving the problem, think about how you could take care of yourself.

When Beattie started learning to detach, she was forced to take responsibility for herself.

Chapter 4: Combat low self-worth by learning to love yourself.

That’s when she realized that other people weren’t the reason her life was a mess – she was just using them as an excuse to avoid her own problems.

So she reminds us, over and over, that the path to recovery, sanity, and happiness starts with minding our own business and taking care of ourselves.

In other words, it starts with self-care.

Taking on an attitude of self-care means being loving toward ourselves.

We start by taking responsibility for our lives – not just the day-to-day problems, but also all our spiritual, emotional, and physical needs.

While there may be a steep learning curve at first, meeting these needs will be a fulfilling and rewarding journey.

First, we rid ourselves of the false notion that our needs aren’t important.

Even if no one else seems to care, they matter to us; we owe it to ourselves to respect that.

In the past, we cast our needs aside, but it’s now our responsibility to meet them.

So when the going gets tough, we can ask, “What do I need to do to take care of myself?

” Beattie recounts how, one day, she received a call from a fellow Al-Anon member.

This woman wanted to leave her husband but was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to take care of herself.

She felt this way even though she had a job, took care of the kids, and did all the chores.

Worrying about not being able to take care of ourselves – it’s one of the most common refrains Beattie hears from codependents.

That’s because, beneath the surface, most codependents are filled with fear, like little children desperate for affection.

Worse yet, this little child inside us doesn’t believe that we’re worthy of love; it has spent its life being abandoned, abused, let down, and rejected.

In order to fight low self-worth, we must try to nurture that inner child instead.

When we turn the focus from others to ourselves, we respect that inner child: we give it attention and love.

We begin to validate ourselves instead of seeking approval from others.

In time, we learn how to trust ourselves.

So start by loving and accepting yourself as you are – right now – and cherishing all your quirks and imperfections.

You’ll start to feel your inner power grow as you embrace your feelings rather than run from them.

When Beattie got sober after ten years of alcohol, cocaine, and heroin abuse, her counselors told her that to stay sober, she’d have to face her feelings.

It was an incredibly scary proposition at the time.

But by following their advice, Beattie learned that “feelings are not facts,” as the old AA saying goes.

For many codependents, this is difficult territory.

Chapter 5: Although it can be frightening, feeling your feelings is key to finding joy.

Beattie recounts how, when she was leading family support groups, she’d ask the members what they were feeling.

They’d respond by saying what their loved ones were feeling.

No matter the question, her patients would talk about someone else.

After years of focusing on the other people in their lives, they had no clue what they themselves were feeling.

As codependents, we often refuse to feel because it hurts too much; over time, we’ve learned that being emotionally vulnerable only leads to pain.

Sometimes, our emotions can get so big and dark that it feels like all we are is emotion.

This can keep us from doing the scary things necessary to make our lives better.

Whether this is caused by the family systems we grew up in or the partners we ended up with, acknowledging our feelings can be frightening – it means admitting that something has to change.

But while feelings may bring sadness, they’re also the main source of joy.

When we suppress the negative stuff, it also makes it impossible to feel the good stuff.

On the other hand, when we allow ourselves to feel, we can discover deep truths about ourselves – our real desires, our goals, our wants and needs.

We may need a little help along the way.

For codependents, the 12-step program Al-Anon uses is one of the greatest support systems out there.

12-step programs aren’t just about sobriety – they take broken people and teach them how to put their lives back together, and how to move forward.

A willingness to work with the program is key to getting results.

This means going to meetings and listening to other anonymous members share their experiences, strengths, or hopes.

There’s no membership roll, no sign-up sheets, no fees.

There’s nothing to do but come, listen, and, of course, share our own experience – but only if we want to.

For many people, these meetings are a revelation – it’s the first time we hear our own experiences coming out of someone else’s mouth.

Hearing these familiar stories allows us to slowly come out of our shells and be our true selves.

It helps us face our problems because, finally, we’re no longer alone.

After a while, we begin to learn how the steps work.

During the day, we’re able to consider how to apply them to our own life.

And when trouble pops up, it’s always possible to call another Al-Anon member for advice.

Over time, the steps become both habits and a way of life.

They teach us how to problem solve and deal with emotional disturbances, as well as how to handle the roadblocks in life with grace.

Twelve-step programs are simple, and that’s precisely why they work.

But there’s also a kind of magic that happens.

On paper, all this stuff may seem hokey, but by going to meetings and working through the program, a serenity sets in.

Our lives change, we change.

The problems don’t get solved all at once, but they do get solved exactly when the time is right.

And the more we surrender to the program, the happier, healthier, and fuller our lives become.

You’ve just finished our Blink to Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie.

Final summary

The most important thing to take away from all this is that we are each responsible for ourselves.

We didn’t cause our loved one’s problems, and so we can’t fix them.

But we can fix ourselves by taking responsibility for our life, our emotions, and our healing path.

In this Blink, maybe you’ve learned some basic truths about yourself – and picked up a few tools to help you recover.

But remember, recovery is sort of like learning the piano: it requires patience, practice, and time.

So take it one day at a time, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

And here’s some more actionable advice:  The easiest way to ask for help is to find a 12-step group.

A quick internet search is sure to bring up a list of meetings in your area.

Try searching for Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, or Codependents Anonymous.

Though it may be a little daunting, these meetings are filled with people just like you.

They know what you’re going through, and they can help.